My jokes

At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?

Me: 'Cause life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.

I got my job at a bank and lost the job the day I got it. A lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her!

Tell me a joke about my hairline.

No, because he don't got one, feel like Donald Trump, it don't move.

My birthday's on September 11th, I'm gonna turn the fuck up and throw a banger! Then rub my tits in birthday cake frosting!!! WOOOOOOOOO!

I lost my job at the bank. Some lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.

I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.

He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.

I barged into a Halloween party at my school with my air-soft AR-15!

I was so scary, EVERYONE ran away!

My friend died. Me and my other bestie start singing the coffin song. My bestie in the coffin, why are you not sad? Why are you still alive?

Dentist said I grind in my sleep... he a real one for that.

I’m going back to the house to get some stuff for my dad, and then I’m going to have a car and a birthday party come up for the weekend at the end of the week. I was going to get my birthday cake for the day.

True story: my math teacher Mr. Ueberoth accidentally marked a Kahoot as 100 points in Google Classroom instead of 10. If he doesn't find out, the grades will be more hyperinflated than Zimbabwe's economy.

There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.

"Police control! Have you been drinking?"

"Go Pikachu! Thunder Clap!"

"Did you just throw a hamster at my head?"

My emo friend got jealous when my phone died.

Wanna suck my dick?

No? Well then I'm gonna go hang.

My uncle died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.

I laughed at my life so hard.