My jokes

The person next to me on my flight was shocked when they found out I was Arabian. I lagged so hard my gerber almost fell out of my pocket.

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Definitely not 13, because my basement is still dark.

For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

Hello Honey Bunches, it's me, Your Narrator. I was told by my buddy youthpartorryan he's in the middle of a war... I may be super wholesome but war against my buddy? Ho ho ho, no! A STORM IS COMING. #BestFriends

I raped a girl and I liked it.

I hope my girlfriend won't mind it.

It felt so wrong, it felt so right.

Don't mean I'm in love tonight.

Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."

A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.

Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."

Boy: "My girlfriend didn't dump me, I dumped her..."

Off the nearby cliff.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Why was I angry on my plane? Because I read these stupid 9/11 jokes.

My life is so meaningless that I committed a crime just to get shot. 0-0

This is not a joke; this is just about death...

I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.

Santa was in my social studies book. He was a redcoat.

I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him," so I couldn't do a fatality.

I was confused, but I understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.

I went to ask my friend's mom if I could have a sleepover.

Then I remembered they did not have a mom or dad.

Me: If my face looked like yours, I would sue my parents.

Sensei: That’s funny, because when your parents dropped you off at the temple, they got a fine for littering.

Cop: Hehe, that’s funny because I gave them the fine!

Do you want to buy my Hoover?

I mean... it's just collecting dust.

Help! I got my brother pregnant.