My jokes

From the wise words of my friend, "You ain't a man 'til you had a man."

My brother has a fucking ass and I wake up to him twerking.

In fright, I saw my faceless soul! Never imagined it could run that fast!

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

My social life.

Hey, guess what I got for my birthday.

No, what did you get? Older.

I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!

I'm making a new movie, it's called "Veggie Tales." My star actor is Stephen Hawking.

What did the lampshade say to the light bulb?

You brighten my day.

My friend tried to sleep on napkins.

I guess that's why they're called NAP-kins.

I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!

Last night I slipped on a banana.

My friend said it was a-peeling!

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

What did the substrate say to the active site?

"C'mon baby, we fit together, open my door lock to f**kin' key."

Hi, my name's Dixy.

Dixy Normis.

My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."

My puns are awesome, pure gold.

Friend: Do you know him?

Other Friend: Know who?

Friend: My dick!

My entire existence.

A lot of people get mad at me for my bad jokes. I always thought they were punderful.