My jokes

Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.

We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.

My friend Harry.

My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.

He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"

To Gwen and Freshfry: Hi Gwen and Freshfry, you have been so amazing to me and now to my sister. You are the people who I look up to. People are mean to us because I am adopted. Thank you for all of your support!

My dad left me, lol.

My gamer tag is TheBigAut.

I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.

The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"

My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."

Would you like to win 100k?

Comment on my next video for a chance to win!

I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)

My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.

"Why is my name Rose?"

"A rose fell on your head when you were born."

"Why is my name Daisy?"

"A daisy fell on your head when you were born."

"Bedrock is better than Java!"

"Oh, hi Brick!"

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

What's the difference between my dad and Nemo?

I don't know. I still haven't found them.

Roses are red.

I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!

I tried to calculate 3/(my life), and I kept getting zero.

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!

My teacher said, "Say welcome to our new student; he's an orphan." The teacher said, "Is anyone missing?" I said, "That kid's parents."

I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."

Yo, look, they give me and my girl free pizza and a big bottle of rabbit wine. Yay, yay! Don't drink too much of it; you might turn into a wine rabbit.

My cat got run down. That is a cat-astrophe.