My jokes
A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."
"Interesting."
"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.
My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.
She does not exist.
Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.
Roses are red, Violets are twisted, Come back to my place, You might get fisted.
Last night I remember partying with friends to find blood on my nightstand.
Moments after, I scolded my friends to put my alarm clock back where they found it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Fortnite is dead, so are you.
(I have no friends because all of my friends play Fortgay, just like my friends all of them are gay.)
Spanish is difficult. When my mom gives me food, she says "toma," and that's drink in English, so I always drink my food.
Knock knock!!
Who's there??
Dishwasher!!
Dishwasher who??
Dishwasher way i used to talk when i got my head kicked in!
My name is Gunter.
Gunter Gunter is dead.
Gunter Gunter stuffed my cat's head. ;D
A Texan and an Alaskan walk in a room. The Alaskan says, "My state is bigger than yours." The Texan says, "It won't be when it melts!"
My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.
What is the difference between you and my dad?
Nothing.
My daughter is super smart! She pours her own drinks on the floor.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
More than five because my basement is still dark.
Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes make my butt look fat? 💩
My teacher said, "Say welcome to our new student; he's an orphan." The teacher said, "Is anyone missing?" I said, "That kid's parents."
My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.
He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"
I tried to calculate 3/(my life), and I kept getting zero.
My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!
I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"