My jokes

My dad left me, lol.

"Why is my name Rose?"

"A rose fell on your head when you were born."

"Why is my name Daisy?"

"A daisy fell on your head when you were born."

"Bedrock is better than Java!"

"Oh, hi Brick!"

Q: I often think I'm ugly, but then I think of my sister and get over it.

A B C D E F G.

Gummy bears are chasing me, one is red, one is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life because the red one's got a knife!

Roses are red.

I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."

My teacher said, "Say welcome to our new student; he's an orphan." The teacher said, "Is anyone missing?" I said, "That kid's parents."

My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.

He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

More than five because my basement is still dark.

I tried to calculate 3/(my life), and I kept getting zero.

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were just texting.

My daughter is super smart! She pours her own drinks on the floor.

A Texan and an Alaskan walk in a room. The Alaskan says, "My state is bigger than yours." The Texan says, "It won't be when it melts!"

Because all I do is pound it, man. I would put you on my "600 Pound Life" if you didn't weigh 1,000.

My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!

I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.

Last night I remember partying with friends to find blood on my nightstand.

Moments after, I scolded my friends to put my alarm clock back where they found it.

My cat got run down. That is a cat-astrophe.