My Jokes

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

More than 9 because my basement is still dark.

Roses are red, my name is Dan...

TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

You know where I get my soda? Mini-soda.

I have something on my lip and I think I’m taller than you.

"Who am I?"

new years be like in my house

The image is a split panel. On the left, the text "Others" is above a blurry image of a crowd celebrating with confetti. On the right, the text "Me" is above a picture of a baby illuminated by the light of a phone in their hands. The words "Same To You" appear multiple times over the baby. Above both images it says "31st December Night".

One time in camp, I kissed my bunkmate Bret in the shower. He cupped my breasts and lathered them in Prell, but I'm totally not gay... :)

Jeffy: I need a new butt. My old one has a crack in it.

My friend wasn't laughing at my jokes, so I said, "Is your funny bone broken?" But he got mad, and then I said, "Do you have a bone to pick with me?" He tried to insult me, but I said, "Call me what you want, I got thick skin," and this story was down to the bone.

What did the brother cell say when the sister cell stepped on his foot? Ow, mitosis! (my toe, sis)

My wife purely hates me for me having sex with our daughter.

It's not my fault I couldn't wait to get out of the abortion clinic!

POV: Wine Taster in hell.

I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"

The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.

"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."

"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."

Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."