My jokes

I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

My girlfriend said she's having a horrible time with her period. I ask her which one, but realize she's not talking about school...

We don't see each other very much.

How emos propose: Would you please join my family tree?

Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.

In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."

Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...

My favorite website.

Somebody’s son said, "Mom, my dick has white stuff coming out of it." She said, "Oh, good one, son, so when’s the baby coming?"

Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.

Why did the mushroom kill himself?

Because he had a mushy life.

My peepee small.

My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

My cat is red and brown and her bones are crunchy, so does that mean she is a Kit Kat?

My grandfather has the heart of a lion!! 🦁

In a jar on his desk along with a lifetime ban from the zoo...

After I am dead during my funeral service, I want someone to play my favorite song by Boy George and Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind."

My parents came back from their vacation in Florida, and all I got is this lousy nursemaid from Miami named mammie.

Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?

Friend: Sure.

Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.

Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?

Me: Aren't you my son?

Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.

There was a woman sitting with me.

I had to leave until she pointed at something—it was my butt.

I was confused until it was her turn for truth or dare.

My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your stepfather."

I’ll never forget my grandpa's last words to me...

“Are you still holding the ladder??”

Lol, I keep stealing my dad's medication money, and the best part is he never remembers.

Almost all of you suck. If you're following me, hah, this isn't a joke, but it gave my profile a 1 thingy heheh. KYS, Wade =D