My jokes

Today a girl asked me how big my dick is, so I asked how big her pussy is, and she said, "Come over to my house and find out!"

A kid is learning about planets in school, when he hears the planet Uranus. Knowing it's the perfect opportunity for a joke, the kid replies, "Where's my anus?"

Hi, my name isn't Pi.

Look up at the sky and wonder why.

Why are you alive?

To all my bullies: don’t call me gay because I’m not happy.

I am the worst joke ever. Get it? My whole life is a joke.

Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.

Day 70 without sex, my doctor asked me, "Are you sexually active?" I said, "Why, what you tryna do?"

Jack and Jill went up my ass to eat a big dildo, but Jack died cause he got hit by a brown thing.

What's white, red, blue, and brown all over?

The American flag I used to wipe my ass with.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

My girlfriend said she's having a horrible time with her period. I ask her which one, but realize she's not talking about school...

We don't see each other very much.

How emos propose: Would you please join my family tree?

Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.

In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."

Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...

My favorite website.

Somebody’s son said, "Mom, my dick has white stuff coming out of it." She said, "Oh, good one, son, so when’s the baby coming?"

Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.

Why did the mushroom kill himself?

Because he had a mushy life.

My peepee small.

My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

My cat is red and brown and her bones are crunchy, so does that mean she is a Kit Kat?