My jokes

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

You're so skinny my grandma gonna use you like a cane.

My dog once went to Uranus. 🐶🤣🤣🤣

You know, because dogs sniff Uranus? 😂😂😂

I went to ask my friend's mom if I could have a sleepover.

Then I remembered they did not have a mom or dad.

I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.

I was raised as an only child.

Which really annoyed my twin sister.

Orphan: Have you seen my mommy?

Person: Are you an orphan?

Orphan: Yes?

Person: SON SON??? IS THAT YOU MY LOVE?

Orphan: MOTHER!

Person: Let's go home!

Orphan: Uhhhh

*She was never to be seen again*

If an old person tells you what to do just say, "At least my parents are alive!"

I tried to name my grass "emo" so it will cut itself.

I love my mom.

A Texan and an Alaskan walk in a room. The Alaskan says, "My state is bigger than yours." The Texan says, "It won't be when it melts!"

My BALLS itched when I crashed the plane.

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

I ordered my sandwich at a restaurant on 9/11 spicy, it came out plain.

I love to decorate my room because it's a great way to express your heart, though I just remembered, my room is pretty black and empty...

Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

A: Do these genes make my butt look fat? 💩

I was lip to lip yesterday, and now I can't get the cum out of my mouth.

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Guy 1: "Stop looking at my ass!" Guy 2: "I said look at Uranus." Guy 1: "I'm looking at uranus!" Guy 2: "I said Uranus like the planet!" Guy 1: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."