My jokes
My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.
He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"
Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
A: Do these genes make my butt look fat? 💩
My cat got run down. That is a cat-astrophe.
My will to live.
What did one hurricane say to the other?
"I got my EYE on you!"
God is you... If you have a dog
My name is Gunter.
Gunter Gunter is dead.
Gunter Gunter stuffed my cat's head. ;D
I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.
AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because I unplugged his life support to charge my phone.
I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"
Why does my mum eat carrots?
This isn't a joke. My dad went to the shops for some bread 16 years ago. He still hasn't returned. Should I be worried yet? Or should I wait a year?
My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.
She does not exist.
Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.
I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.
Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."
I love my dog, Sadie.
My dad said he'd be back later after he walked out the door with a suitcase.
Who takes a suitcase to the grocery store? Silly daddy!
I put my leg up in the air sometimes, singing ayo, I'm a flamingo...
Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.