My jokes

Roses are red,

my life is a disaster,

the children are fast,

but the combine is F A S T E R!

My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."

I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.

Why did the autistic kid walk across a busy road?

He was chasing his mind and got hit by a car.

I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

My friend Harry.

Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.

We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.

My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?

I tried to calculate 3/(my life), and I kept getting zero.

Q: I often think I'm ugly, but then I think of my sister and get over it.

My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"

"Why is my name Rose?"

"A rose fell on your head when you were born."

"Why is my name Daisy?"

"A daisy fell on your head when you were born."

"Bedrock is better than Java!"

"Oh, hi Brick!"

My bf: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

My bf: Ice cream.

Me: Ice cream who?

My bf: I scream if you don't let me see that smoking hot body!

A B C D E F G.

Gummy bears are chasing me, one is red, one is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life because the red one's got a knife!

Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

A: Do these genes make my butt look fat? 💩

I was having a party in my basement, and my friend asked me what that bag covered in blood was for. I said, "Oh, that's the bag I catch the children with to torture them in this basement."

Yo, look, they give me and my girl free pizza and a big bottle of rabbit wine. Yay, yay! Don't drink too much of it; you might turn into a wine rabbit.

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!

My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.

He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"

A Texan and an Alaskan walk in a room. The Alaskan says, "My state is bigger than yours." The Texan says, "It won't be when it melts!"