My jokes

What were the last words of your grandma in 2020?

"Oh, I think I forgot my mask!"

Let's play twin towers, your thighs are the towers and my penis is the plane, coming in between.

My dad was a great pilot...

He died in 9/11.

I told my fam a joke.

They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"

POV: When the orphan kid goes to church and they have to swear on something.

The kid: "I swear on my... friends. Oh wait, I don't have any."

A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”

I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.

My grandpa died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot.

My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.

So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.

In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.

My sister is so ugly that she had to have a child with me to keep the family tree going.

My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.

She does not exist.

Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because I unplugged his life support to charge my phone.

This isn't a joke. My dad went to the shops for some bread 16 years ago. He still hasn't returned. Should I be worried yet? Or should I wait a year?

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

Roses are red, Violets are twisted, Come back to my place, You might get fisted.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

My name is Gunter.

Gunter Gunter is dead.

Gunter Gunter stuffed my cat's head. ;D