My jokes
Superman and Flash were in the living room pounding back a few beers. Flash says to Superman, "I bet you can fly into Wonder Woman's bedroom and get the best pussy of your life." So he does it. When he goes back to Flash, Superman says, "Man, that was great, but my ass kinda burns."
My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.
A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"
What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?
I cried when I cut up the onions.
My face when “Free Palestine” wasn’t a sales deal.
My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.
Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.
Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.
I told my fam a joke.
They all looked at me weird and one person even said, "I’m sorry!"
POV: When the orphan kid goes to church and they have to swear on something.
The kid: "I swear on my... friends. Oh wait, I don't have any."
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, obviously not 10; my basement's still dark.
My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."
What were the last words of your grandma in 2020?
"Oh, I think I forgot my mask!"
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.
I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.
Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were just texting.
Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!
I love my dog, Sadie.
I put my leg up in the air sometimes, singing ayo, I'm a flamingo...
What did one hurricane say to the other?
"I got my EYE on you!"
My will to live.
Roses are red, Violets are twisted, Come back to my place, You might get fisted.