My jokes

My wife is so fat. After sex, I rolled over twice. I was still on top of the bitch!

How much you wanna bet you will not repeat my name out loud (at school/work)?

So, Dad is teaching his 8-year-old son about the planets and said, "This is Uranus." Then the 5-year-old son says, "Where is my anus?"

Why is my anus burning?

'Cause I sat on an open lighter, oh god, help!

I asked my mom with cerebral palsy a question.

Still waiting on an answer.

Boy: “My heart MELTS for you.”

Girl: “OMG, are you okay?!?!”

Boy: “Yeah, why?”

Girl: “Because if your heart is melting, then you are NOT okay.”

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.

No one goes in there without my permission!

I asked the emo at my school if he got jealous when his phone died.

What's the difference between a goat and a sex slave?

I don't have a slave in my sex dungeon.

My friend bought a Tom Holland blanket and I said, "Well, now you're sleeping with him."

"Nancy be like I sucked my way to the top."

I will remember my auntie's last words: "If you shoot me, your p-nis is small!"

(gun shot)

My brother thinks he's cool when he just SMELLS.

Well, I got stuck in the dryer and fell asleep. Then my step bro got home, and I did not know, and hours later I woke up. My pants were down, and my butt was on fire.

Yo mama so fat that the Avengers team had to snap five times and say, "Oh my God!"

My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

How do I make my dick disappear?

I put it in your dad.

I got jealous when my phone died.