My jokes

Someone asked me what the lines on my wrist were from. I answered, "My cat has OCD."

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

Hey.

Girl: Hey.

Damn, I forgot my spray bottle.

Girl: What?

It says "spray on flat surfaces."

I used to work for a company called 69. My friend took over my position.

No joke. I just want to say that my thoughts are with the Ukrainian people, and I wish them the best. Best of luck.

My dad died during 9/11, he was the best pilot in all Saudi Arabia.

So, at school there are these twins. At my school, I folded two paper airplanes to throw at them. Once I realized why it felt so wrong to do it, I had already threw them. I hit the north, then the south one.

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

I got caught fucking a dead body by my family. RIP grandma.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer.

I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."

Talking about planets with my nephew.

He asked if you could plow thru Uranus because it's all gas.

My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.

My stepsister is a big titty goth. Should I tap that?

Dear Orphans,

I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)

I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.

That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!

My sister thinks she's so smart and funny. The only thing that is funny is her face.

Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.

Everyone at the barbecue...

My 14 year old daughter went shopping at a grocery story.

She gets to the register and she asked the cashier to scan her scarred wrist.

The cashier scanned it and replied with, "Ma'am this item is worthless."

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.