My jokes

Daughter: So, I got my period.

Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!

Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?

Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.

Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)

Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)

An Emo kid in a tree falls. At the same time an apple falls from the same tree, what hits the ground first? The apple would be due to the kid's rope and noose.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead because of you.

Actually, not because of you... because of your face.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"

I raped a girl and I liked it.

I hope my girlfriend won't mind it.

It felt so wrong, it felt so right.

Don't mean I'm in love tonight.

This isn’t much of a joke, but here's a pickup line. Are you a marshmallow? Because I wanna put my stick in you.

I cried when my mom started to cut up onions... onions was a good dog.

An Aboriginal Australian told me that I was on his farmland.

So I told him he was on my cock.

(I'm Australian btw, respect to my American bros🇺🇸)

Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.

Ally before the other girl goes on stage: Break a leg!

Rachel: Alright!

On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg.

Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!

Okay, One time I there was my dog. But then the dog, it fell.

Then I f**ked my dog hard in the a**.

Hi, how are you? Busy, busy today and tomorrow. I have to go home from home and walk home. Walk and a bike. Walk, walk, and a bike to school tomorrow night. I have to have lunch with my mom and dad, and I have dinner with you tonight.

What grade does Sherlock hit on girls from?

Elementary, my dear Watson!

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.

I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

My face.

My friend broke his tie. That's a tie breaker.

I told my friend an egg joke yesterday.

He thought it was eggcellent.

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.