My jokes

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.

A Jew and a Jew walk into a bar. The goy says, "What do you want?" The first Jew says, "Give it alcohol." The second Jew says, "My son ran away and became Christian." Another Jew pipes in, he says, "My son too!" The bartender turns around and says, "You're not going to believe this..."

My mom

How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than 9 because my basement's still dark.

Have anyone seen my balls? I can't find them on my chest.

Hey! My balls are on your thing!

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

Holy fucking shit, Addison, watersharky, Gwen, and all of you other cringelords, I swear to God if I hear one more thing about "please be kind, no bullying on the internet," I will actually shoot my local school.

You may not know, since you are only 8 years old or whatever, but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others, and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness, it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your "please be kind" messages to yourselves.

My friend dared me to steal my other friend's watch. I tried, but failed. He really got me, dare.

Pulled pork? Yeah, I cranked my hog today, too.

My whole life.

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

My teacher walked up to the emo kid and told him, "I like your striped red and tan gloves." And she asked, "Where did you get them?" The emo kid replied, "Oh, I made the red stripes myself."

My bird. PRETTY BIRD! PRETTY BIRD!

Others CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP!

How many people can you fit in a car?

6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.

So, about a year ago I was riding a horse, and out of nowhere the horse tried to flip me off it and I fell off. I would have been OK, but my foot got stuck in the stirrup. The horse dragged me along and didn't stop.

I would have died if it weren't for the Walmart manager who came out and unplugged the horse.