My jokes
My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.
My stepsister is a big titty goth. Should I tap that?
Dear Orphans,
I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)
I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.
That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!
My sister thinks she's so smart and funny. The only thing that is funny is her face.
Memes
Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.
Everyone at the barbecue...
My 14 year old daughter went shopping at a grocery story.
She gets to the register and she asked the cashier to scan her scarred wrist.
The cashier scanned it and replied with, "Ma'am this item is worthless."
My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.
I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.
I needn't have bothered.
The next day, it was smeared all over my face.
I would take out the trash, but my mom said you weren't ready!!! XD
Ayo, the pizza here... OH NlGGA! AHHHHH!... Augh, my ears burn!
Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?
What's the difference between my dad cumming and cancer?
Nothing, they both stain.
I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.
My ill sis said, "Why did the bear say no to ice cream?" and I said, "Why?" She said, "'Cuz it's stuffed!"
Granny says don't worry, the cries of pain are only my ex-husband's.
I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?
Me and my brother talking about relationships.
Me: We live kind of differently.
Brother: We're sort of alike.
Me: We're not alike.
Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!
My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!
Hi, how are you? Busy, busy today and tomorrow. I have to go home from home and walk home. Walk and a bike. Walk, walk, and a bike to school tomorrow night. I have to have lunch with my mom and dad, and I have dinner with you tonight.
Words that have "ho" in them:
Thot
Whore
Asshole
Horrible
Horena (my ex gf)