My jokes

I cried when my mom started to cut up onions... onions was a good dog.

This isn’t much of a joke, but here's a pickup line. Are you a marshmallow? Because I wanna put my stick in you.

What’s the easiest way to dig a hole to China?

Through my arm.

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

My Italian chef friend died last week. He pasta away.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

You know why I have so low IQ? It's because the left side of my brain gets nothing right, and the right side of my brain has nothing left.

I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.

A joke: my life, hahahahaha! Wait, it's not funny.

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.

Son: Mom, I'm blind.

Mom: Exactly!

10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!

I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

I told my friend an egg joke yesterday.

He thought it was eggcellent.

My face.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

What grade does Sherlock hit on girls from?

Elementary, my dear Watson!

I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

Roses are red, violets are blue, Cause comes near my Willy.