My jokes

Talking about planets with my nephew.

He asked if you could plow thru Uranus because it's all gas.

The dirtiest football player in my school was the smallest.

He was just trying to find out who was tickling his balls.

I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"

I used to work for a company called 69. My friend took over my position.

My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.

My sister thinks she's so smart and funny. The only thing that is funny is her face.

My 14 year old daughter went shopping at a grocery story.

She gets to the register and she asked the cashier to scan her scarred wrist.

The cashier scanned it and replied with, "Ma'am this item is worthless."

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.

Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks, Dad.

Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.

That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!

Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.

Everyone at the barbecue...

My stepsister is a big titty goth. Should I tap that?

Dear Orphans,

I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)

I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.

I needn't have bothered.

The next day, it was smeared all over my face.

I like my women like my family, they’re related.

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

My friend broke his tie. That's a tie breaker.

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.