My jokes

Hey Autocorrect- STOP TAMPERING WITH MY CURSE WORDS YOU MOTHERDUCKING FORKLIFT!

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

I lost my job making storage units for the police after a week. I guess you could say it was a brief case.

While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.

Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?

A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.

There is a similarity between my wallet and an onion.

They always make me cry.

I have fun with my friends.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!"

I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

I like my women how I like my coffee... HOT.

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words:

"You need to park a little closer."

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

My depression is depressed.

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

Today, I asked my phone "Siri" why am I still single, and it activated the front camera.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"