My jokes

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore.

Why?

The ducks keep trying to eat him.

Why would they do that?

Because he’s pure-bread.

When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”

Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?

That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.

Who is my favorite underground rapper?

XXX Tentacion

The fact I couldn't hear the announcements at my school because the boys in my advisory are clapping with no hands should be a joke just in itself. They were making sexual faces as well, oh, and don't forget the moaning they do.

Nah, I'm Hawaiian but I'm also Japanese. So does that mean I bombed my own harbor?

Today, I asked my phone "Siri" why am I still single, and it activated the front camera.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”

Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

My friend went to buy some milk, why is she not back yet?

When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

A riddle: My enemy is the Joker, I'm black and I help to save Gotham City. Who am I?

I have to file a complaint against Spotify because I didn’t see you on my hot singles last week.