My jokes

What do Ligma and Bofa have in common?

They both ride on my dick.

What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"

My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."

I broke up with my emo girlfriend yesterday, look who came crawling back!

Teacher told me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch, fool.

My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.

Lady: "Can I lick your balls?"

Me: "Ummmmm, ok?"

Lady: *grabs ball sack and licks my balls*

Me: "I'm gonna have to clean these now!"

Lady: "Let me do that."

Me: "No, thank you! I have to use these baseballs for practice!"

My friend playing truth or dare asked me: "Dare".

My friends: "I dare you to go home."

I want some cheeseburgers just to eat. I'm talkin' ketchup. My n***a mustard on that BEAT!

"Jimmy Jimmy, Yes Papa,"

"Give away my Money, No Papa,"

"Telling Lies, OK, Ima Check my Bank Account."

My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

I was at a My Chemical Romance meet and greet that Gerard didn’t attend, I just thought... “NO WAY!”

My teacher says no phones allowed. I say my phone is allowed because I’m nobody, Dania.

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."

I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.

One day, I was walking through a park when I realized it was crowded.

To this day, I still don't know who let the children out of my basement.

For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.

Once my friend saw my wrist, slapped it and said "I like ya cuts, G!"

I named my cousin's parrot Michell, and then I started to call Mikey "Mikey", right? I'm starting to teach my cousin Sammy how to say "Mikey Mikey" and he says "mekiy meiky" 😆

Roses are red, grass is greener.

When I think of you, I play with my weiner.