My jokes

People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"

"Yeah, over my dead body!"

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.

Is their [there] a doctor anywhere?

My mom has a few problems & those problems is [are] that my mom has big tits, fat ass & sweet pussy that needs attention. Help anyone.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.

The fact I couldn't hear the announcements at my school because the boys in my advisory are clapping with no hands should be a joke just in itself. They were making sexual faces as well, oh, and don't forget the moaning they do.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

I call my penis the truth because the truth always comes out of children’s mouths.

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

What did the rapper say to the computer?

“Yo, stop laggin’ my FLOW!”

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.