My jokes
People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"
"Yeah, over my dead body!"
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?
Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.
Memes
I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.
I diddled for a total of 67 times. I am the ultra Gooner. My cum is everywhere. I am the goon master.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
How are my sister‘s legs and peanut butter alike?\n\nThey’re both smooth and easy to spread.
We found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than my dad.
Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.
What did the rapper say to the computer?
“Yo, stop laggin’ my FLOW!”
My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
What’s the difference between video games and my dad?
My dad doesn’t beat me.
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
I have to file a complaint against Spotify because I didn’t see you on my hot singles last week.
Why does everyone call me racist?
My shadow is black.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."