My jokes

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."

So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.

He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.

I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.

I think my penis has facial recognition.

My wife left me and took the kids.

My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?

My dads just like my eggs... runny. 🤣😭🥺

My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's nonexistent hairline, even though Josh has massive ears and his face looks like a monkey's... if they were white.

What's the difference between dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.

When you send a dick pic and she sends one back,

I'm glad mine is the biggest, so I get to fuck my dad again.

You know this joke really cracks up my bones!

I was gonna tell you a joke about my abusive dad...

But I only remember the punch line👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, it just waved.

I hate my life.

My step bro thought I was single and tried to take me, but I said, "I'm take." And guess what he did? He cried.

Why? Why would you do that?

I remember having a crush on my math teacher, so I winked at her and said, "Don't worry, babe, I'll call you later."

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.

Hey everyone, I'm back because I'm sinking back towards depression because my sister is really being a bitch, and my parents always side with her, and the stress over online school is just getting overwhelming, and I'm seriously considering hanging myself to end it all because the pain is just... terrible, and I feel like I'm not worth life.

Very sad today. Found my pet mouse "Elvis" dead this morning. He was caught in a trap.

*Me walking into the nail salon* Hi, I'm here for my 3:45 appointment.

*Nail tech:* Ok, sweety, come and sit down.

*Me sits down in the chair*

*Nail tech:* You want long nail, short nail? Um, long nail. You want boyfriend?!! Yes, ma'am. Ok, let me work magic. Ok.

*gives me short nail* Bro, I asked for long nail, but you said BF, but u look lesbian.

*walks out without paying*

*Nail tech gives money to a customer* There u win.

*customer:* I told u she would.