My jokes

A lot of things changed when I got my girlfriend pregnant: my name, my address, and my phone number.

I have a picture of Uranus on my computer.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.

In my basement.

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

I was on the Official Cristiano Ronaldo website when suddenly my Anti-Virus software showed an alert on my screen! The notification read "WARNING: FRAUD DETECTED!" I was shocked but not surprised.

Penaldo has been finished for years after all, and he often ghosts in big games.

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They’re both pointless.

My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(

I saw that my brother has brain cancer, so I asked him: "Are you big brain?"

Me, an orphan: *laughing at orphan jokes*

Some person: Stop laughing, it's sad to laugh at your pain.

Me, an orphan: That's the funny part, what am I going to do, tell my parents?

To the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat: you can hide, but you can't run.

All of a guy's sons came out gay. He ordered 10 shots in a bar.

The bartender asks, "Do you have anyone in your family who likes women?"

The man said, "My wife does!"

What do my balls and emos have in common?

...Nothing, they both hang themselves...

I was spending my holiday in Paris with my gf. As we were walking near the city, a meteor hit and killed my gf.

Forensics did an autopsy on the corpse and concluded that someone missed a pen and hit my gf from the PSG training ground. SHAME ON YOU PESSI FOR RUINING MY LIFE! 🤬😡

How it be when the new guy takes too long...

Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.

Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.

Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.

Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.

Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.

I wish Stephen Hawking was an organ donor. I need some parts for my laptop.

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

Yesterday I was in a wind storm.

Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.

If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."

My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!

Depression: Here, your mom just died.

Me: My mom is already dead.