My Jokes

You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."

My bum hurts.

My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.

My Crandall just be smashing more than you ON DA GIRLS, and he was slapping your girl last night harder than WILL at the OSCARS! ;)

Guys, can we change pride month to another month, please? My birthday is in June, and I'm not gay, and my friends keep making fun of me. I think we should change it to March because my brother's birthday is in March, and that'd be funny.

Skeletor tips

The image shows Skeletor in two panels. In the top panel, he's giving advice, "Start every phone call with 'my phone is about to die', then you can hang up whenever you want." In the bottom panel, he is walking away and the text says, "Skeletor will return with more introvert tips."

What’s the favorite song of someone with an Oedipus Complex?

“My Mommy Comes Back”

I asked my dad, "Are we there yet?" and he told me, "Don't worry, son, it will be a short ride!"

Man, my brother has a tight, buttered butthole. The veins in my cock throb when he comes over!

Whoever stole my anti-depression medications, I hope you're happy!

I saw my sister sucking a big toe.

So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.

It worked really well in my local hospital.

My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.

My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.