My jokes

I am so depressed! I get jealous when my phone dies.

My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”

Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”

For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.

What's the difference between a dead body and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Q. What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?

A. The little girl in my trunk.

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

An orphan boy at my school did really badly on a test and started crying. I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”

What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?

They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”

McDonald's worker be like, "Hello, would you like a Mc-Dick?" (You looked down) You: "Uhh, where's my dick?"

Your hairline is so far back that when I put on my glasses, I thought I saw an "M" for McDonald's on your hairline.

What’s the difference between a pile of babies and a Tesla?

I don’t have a Tesla in my garage.

My grief counselor died the other day.

He was so good at his job, I don't even care.

I thought about learning skydiving without having to afford gear. But the highest place I got is my apartment window.

I keep hearing "Obesity kills."

My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?

You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-

(Destroys phone cutely)

So I stayed at home for Halloween when I suddenly hear a knock on my door. I open and I see Penandes! I was confused and asked him why he does not wear a costume, and he said he doesn't need to.

Then I realized that he's a ghost and gave him 3 candies. Enjoy the candies Pruno!

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

I’m enyaw and I fancy my PE teacher. She is called Kelly Pearce and I go to Beckfoot Oakbank. I always watch her because I am a creep. I live at school under the stairs, but I also try [to] follow her home, and if I'm unsuccessful I look her up on a dodgy website and go on Google maps and look at her door.

My local hacker contacted me and told me that he hacked my computer.

I responded, “Show me proof.” He provided the username and password for my email account, bank account, video game accounts, and social media accounts. To be honest, that is the fastest “Forgot Password” procedure I’ve ever done.