My jokes

I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

My dignity to live.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

I suck my dick.

I would tell you my jokes about pogs, but they would eventually get too boar-ing.

My friend is so short, whenever I dance with her, it’s like dancing with a golf tee.

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

My jokes are pretty "bone-arifick," if I say so myself. Hehhehe... Get it?

There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.

When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.

She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"

54 students died that day.

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"

"I only eat food on the right of my plate."

"Are you good at eating?"

"I'm alright at eating."

Husband: Hey, my dear, this lunch is great. Where did you find the recipe?

Wife: In a detective novel.

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

I loved the Twin Towers, it's a shame my dad didn't.

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”

What's the difference between me and cancer?

Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.

Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.

I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.