My jokes

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

Why can’t I drive? 'Cuz my dad never showed me how, yet.

My friend is so short, whenever I dance with her, it’s like dancing with a golf tee.

Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?

A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.

There is a similarity between my wallet and an onion.

They always make me cry.

I love my dog and all dogs.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

I have fun with my friends.

Stephanie is my name.

I love my name.

There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.

When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.

She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"

54 students died that day.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

I would tell you my jokes about pogs, but they would eventually get too boar-ing.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.

I suck my dick.

I lost my job making storage units for the police after a week. I guess you could say it was a brief case.

My dignity to live.

My family.