My jokes

What's the difference between you and my dad? You come home.

I just did a test to see who my soulmate is, and it said "best friend." So I guess I am gay. I think so, WTF.

Roses are red, grass is greener.

When I think of you, I play with my weiner.

I named my cousin's parrot Michell, and then I started to call Mikey "Mikey", right? I'm starting to teach my cousin Sammy how to say "Mikey Mikey" and he says "mekiy meiky" 😆

My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.

I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."

Orphan: My mommy and daddy love me.

Guy: Where are they then?

Orphan: In the eternal depths of [hell].

I wish my grass was emo, so then it could cut itself.

What did the blonde say when someone says, "Your baby is so cute?"

"For the last time, I don't want to sign up my child for Tindergarten just yet!"

I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.

Once my friend saw my wrist, slapped it and said "I like ya cuts, G!"

To Tina: Hi, love, you're my oldest and dearest friend. I will love you for as long as I live. I luvv you so much, my sweetest, dearest darling.

How on God's green earth does my boyfriend have a phone?

JK WE NEED TO TALK ILL TYPE THE SECRET CODE (YOU'LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.) GREEN PUSSY CAT LIKES BANNANS.

My grandpa has the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

On this website, I just searched up "My jokes". In response, it said, "No jokes found." Wth.

Who wants to be my boyfriend?

My ex was so full of shit, she probably poured toilet cleaner in her nose to get relief.

Bianca: Mr. Doeken, even though I completed my test, you still said it was "late." Why is that?

Mr. Dowon: Bianca, for the LAST TIME, MY LAST NAME IS DOWON!

Bianca (🤨): Are you sure?

Mr. Dowon (😒): What do you need, Bianca?

Bianca: It's Bianca!

Mr. Dowon: Are you sure?

Are you my friend?

Because I would make you more than that.

Me: Yo wanna play 9/11?

My Friend: What’s that?

Me: It’s a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

I stood in front of the mirror. "Joseph, I will love and protect you forever," my dick cooed. I looked down at it, a single crystalline tear sliding down my face. I was at peace.