My jokes

Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. My dad is gone to...

My son got in trouble for writing the following underneath the question “Do aliens exist?”

“Of course they do! They live in Mexico!”

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

I've recently been treated with Asthma and have been prescribed penicillin. One day I was taking it and a man screaming "SUIII" came into the room and stole it! He thought the penicillin would give him penalties. I couldn't breathe, shame on you Penaldo for ruining my life!

I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”

I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.

What makes laissez-faire and a gangbang the same?

Not my problem.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.

I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

I was on a flight to California, but my next in the Empire State Building.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

What's the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage :|

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.