My jokes

I love my name.

Why can’t I drive? 'Cuz my dad never showed me how, yet.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!"

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

I suck my dick.

I would tell you my jokes about pogs, but they would eventually get too boar-ing.

I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.

Turns out it was the fridge.

Why does everyone call me racist?

My shadow is black.

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.

Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.

The creator's son tried that!

(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

Once my twin brother died from a plane crash. His last words were, "If it's a bomb, I'll give it a 9/11."

I was going to tell a joke I made up about my vacuum cleaner, but it sucks.

My favorite novel is "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."

I remember my first day back when working at a camp. I was so surprised when the trains arrived.