My jokes
I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?
My dad still hasn't came back with that God damn milk.
Once my twin brother died from a plane crash. His last words were, "If it's a bomb, I'll give it a 9/11."
Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"
Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"
My classmate, Hailey Legacy.
Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.
Man's friend: Same.
Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.
Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.
Man: Oh great heavens!
I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.
My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home.
Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.
Wheelchair soccer is just IRL Rocket League. Change my mind.
My depression is depressed.
Yo mama so fat, she sat on my dick and broke it.
My wife is so fat.
She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.
I am so depressed! I get jealous when my phone dies.
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words:
"You need to park a little closer."
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
I noticed my friend's hairline yesterday. I could tell it was a Supercuts hair salon haircut, so how I could tell was 'cuz it was super alright, super lame.
When I get jokes. They aren't f****** restarted like you.
My sister.
My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.
I told her to keep her chins up.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words:
"What the fuck is in this drink?"
I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun, now it's an assault rifle.