My jokes

My friend is so short, whenever I dance with her, it’s like dancing with a golf tee.

Your mom: Your plate is full, that's enough food on your plate.

Me: My plate is not full, I still see the white of the plate.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!"

My dignity to live.

I love my dog and all dogs.

My jokes are pretty "bone-arifick," if I say so myself. Hehhehe... Get it?

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

So I was visiting my friends Timmy and Tommy at the phone store and I said, "A. T&T!"

I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.

Stormtrooper: What should I do with this guide for my test?

Palpatine: Review it.

"I only eat food on the right of my plate."

"Are you good at eating?"

"I'm alright at eating."

"Don't sneeze!"

Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.

Also,

"It dangles and swung!"

Language art quizzes are the best.

I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"

I would tell you my jokes about pogs, but they would eventually get too boar-ing.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.

Turns out it was the fridge.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"