My jokes

I was walking down the hallway at my job when I saw a kid crying.

I asked him where his parents were, and he kept crying.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

Two old people sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep." The other says, "Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.

What’s the difference between a pile of babies and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

Dad: Come on, David, go dress up like a girl.

David: Isn't that illegal?

Dad: Nah, it isn't illegal if you keep the buttons in.

David: I hate my life.

Roses are red, Violets are twisted, Come back to my place, You might get fisted.

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They’re both pointless.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

Three doctors go into a room to get rid of a dead guy's body. They notice when they walk over that he has a boner. The first doctor decides, "Why not fuck him? He still has a boner left in him." The second says, "Well, he's dead, and I am a virgin." The third one says, "I can't, I'm on my period," and then says, "Okay, why not? He's already dead. It's not like he doesn't smell bad." After all that, they go to walk out, and the guy pops up and says, "Thanks for saving my life, pumping blood back into my body..."

My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.

She does not exist.

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef......haha.....no one likes my jokes.

When a woman decides to abort, it is called a decision, but when I run my truck into a playground of kids, it is called murder.

This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

I was going to tell my dad a joke, but he still hasn't come back with the milk yet.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

What's wrong with my friend?

He's called Dobby Coleman and has a massive jaw.

"Waiter, my steak is too skinny."

"It's a strip steak, sir."

"At these prices, it should not only strip, but sing and dance too!"