My jokes
After I see an anime boy acting cool,
Me at school acting cool:
My brothers: "He's just acting cool."
Me: I'm gonna kill u 0.0
If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.
What's the difference between a boomerang and my dad?
The boomerang comes back.
What did the llama say when the villagers said that he had to leave the village?
"Alpaca my bags."
What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."
My grandmother made her passage on a boat. The thing wasn’t the only thing that went down.
My friend looks more red than Mr. Krabs.
It’s weird, I could’ve sworn I saw the silhouette of a belt hurling towards him the other day.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
An orphan boy at my school did really badly on a test and started crying. I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”
"If two sides in a battlefield read my book, there will be no winner."
Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
What’s the difference between orphans and cars?
I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.
My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:
"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
I was going to tell a joke I made up about my vacuum cleaner, but it sucks.
My favorite novel is "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.
My dad died in 9/11. He was the best pilot I have ever seen, though.
When a person in a wheelchair says, "You've never taken a step in my shoes," and you say, "To be honest, you haven't either."