My jokes

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."

My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.

What do Ligma and Bofa have in common?

They both ride on my dick.

Have you watched the show "Naked and Afraid"? Well, I play it every Saturday with my uncle.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, because I need new parts for my go-kart.

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

I was on a flight to California, but my next in the Empire State Building.

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"

Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. My dad is gone to...

My son got in trouble for writing the following underneath the question “Do aliens exist?”

“Of course they do! They live in Mexico!”

When you ask an orphan to come over:

Kid: "Do you want to come over to my house?"

Orphan: "Yeah, sure."

Kid: "Ok, ask your parents—oh wait."

What's the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage :|

I caught my wife cheating on me.

I beat my son and grounded him.

I'd tell you a joke about my boyfriend's dick, but it's a private joke.

Once my friend saw my wrist, slapped it and said "I like ya cuts, G!"

I just did a test to see who my soulmate is, and it said "best friend." So I guess I am gay. I think so, WTF.

Me: Yo wanna play 9/11?

My Friend: What’s that?

Me: It’s a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.