My jokes
So I was visiting my friends Timmy and Tommy at the phone store and I said, "A. T&T!"
I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.
Stormtrooper: What should I do with this guide for my test?
Palpatine: Review it.
"I only eat food on the right of my plate."
"Are you good at eating?"
"I'm alright at eating."
"Don't sneeze!"
Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.
Also,
"It dangles and swung!"
Language art quizzes are the best.
Memes
I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"
I would tell you my jokes about pogs, but they would eventually get too boar-ing.
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?
I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it was the fridge.
A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.
I loved the Twin Towers, it's a shame my dad didn't.
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?
Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your smile's warmth, Lights up my view.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.