My jokes

I caught my wife cheating on me.

I beat my son and grounded him.

Beans for centuries have been called "false friends," because they have a tendency to talk behind one's back. If you get my drift. 🤣

Guys, I'm back...

Here's my joke:

What is blue and red all over?

Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.

Sometimes I am happy, and there are times I envy my dog.

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

I was digging outside and I found my child's old toy, so I ran to find him, but I could not find him, so I was searching for about 6 hours, but then I remembered why I was digging......

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

The only joke my dad ever made was me.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

I'll never forget my grampa's last words, "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

My name is Shelly Bobby... I don't know my last name.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

Have you watched the show "Naked and Afraid"? Well, I play it every Saturday with my uncle.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, because I need new parts for my go-kart.

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

My friend is so short, whenever I dance with her, it’s like dancing with a golf tee.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

I'm always forgetting these kinds of jokes. I also forgot my son's name.

Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?

A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!