My jokes

My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

McDonald's worker be like, "Hello, would you like a Mc-Dick?" (You looked down) You: "Uhh, where's my dick?"

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.

What’s the difference between video games and my dad?

My dad doesn’t beat me.

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

What did the rapper say to the computer?

“Yo, stop laggin’ my FLOW!”

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"