My jokes

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore.

Why?

The ducks keep trying to eat him.

Why would they do that?

Because he’s pure-bread.

Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?

That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.

Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

What did the rapper say to his broken pencil?

"You're just not SHARP enough for my lyrics!"

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.