My jokes

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.

I loved the Twin Towers, it's a shame my dad didn't.

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”

Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your smile's warmth, Lights up my view.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.

My girlfriend got COVID.

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

My friend is an amazing hacker. He cut down 23 trees already.

Q. What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?

A. The little girl in my trunk.

My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.

Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.

The creator's son tried that!

(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.