My jokes
What does Marine stand for?
My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment.
I got mad at my white friend today. I, as a darker person, had told them to meet me outside at 3 o'clock. They, being VERY special that day, had said, "AM or PM?"
Laughing at their question, I said, "Honey, 3 AM, because I'll lose a fight at 3 PM."
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
How are my sister‘s legs and peanut butter alike?\n\nThey’re both smooth and easy to spread.
I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.
Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.
Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...
I didn’t expect her to come back so early.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
My classmate, Hailey Legacy.
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.
Man's friend: Same.
Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.
Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.
Man: Oh great heavens!
My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home.
Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.
An orphan boy at my school did really badly on a test and started crying. I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”
What’s the difference between orphans and cars?
I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.
What did the llama say when the villagers said that he had to leave the village?
"Alpaca my bags."
My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot.
The tables in my class are straight, but I can’t say the same thing for your hairline.
My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.