My jokes

I keep hearing "Obesity kills."

My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.

Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...

I didn’t expect her to come back so early.

I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

How are my sister‘s legs and peanut butter alike?\n\nThey’re both smooth and easy to spread.

Hello explain bear my love 💕💕

My grandad and your hairline go way back.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.

Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.

The creator's son tried that!

(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

My friend is an amazing hacker. He cut down 23 trees already.

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.