My jokes

My name is Shelly Bobby... I don't know my last name.

What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?

They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”

What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

What has 4 legs and two gloves?

All five people on my baseball team. ⚾️

My mom once ate a full giant cheesecake, and we were walking to our flight back home, and she had to sh*t.

We were walking to the bathroom, and she full on [did it] in front of the carousel. She had a lump of poo in her pants... True story, haha!

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

I pushed my best friend's chair in class. Now I kinda feel bad that he was in a wheelchair.

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

I was digging outside and I found my child's old toy, so I ran to find him, but I could not find him, so I was searching for about 6 hours, but then I remembered why I was digging......

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

The only joke my dad ever made was me.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

I'll never forget my grampa's last words, "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Sometimes I am happy, and there are times I envy my dog.

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,

they bring me things. <_>