My jokes

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

My girlfriend's name is Candice.

Can these nuts fit in your mouth? :D

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

My dad killed Hitler.

Once my friend was saying something dumb, and I was like, "I Campbell-eve you just said that."

A piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

"Oh, Bunsen, my flame," the sodium swooned. "I melt whenever I see you!"

The Bunsen burner replied, "Calm down. It's just a phase you're going through."

My parents telling me: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Me upset about my suicide attempt doesn't succeed.

I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.

I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!

I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.

Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,

HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!

My grandfather told me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

Yo, back off from my homey Freshfry; he's mine!

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Ya, I have a Hydro Flask.

H: My Y: Grandpa D: Sticks R: His O: Cock F: Up L: My A: Ass S: K:

9/11 is like me after I'm finished with my Lego house. I destroy it! 😄🤣

My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?" She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers." The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?" The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!" "That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?" The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck. I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born.