My jokes

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

I suck my dick.

I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.

Turns out it was the fridge.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

I would tell you my jokes about pogs, but they would eventually get too boar-ing.

I know I've changed my name from tj to selfish king but know it's gunna be selfishking#781.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

My hopes and dreams.

What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"

Teacher's pen is RED, our pen is BLUE, she is marking an EGG on my marksheet, left with questions and no CLUE.

My sister is so short she can't walk.

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

My dogs pooped in my shoes? Pooper.

Ahaha, I'm laughing because my friend is so black his mama killed the clown.

Amelia is hotter than my mum 696969696.