My jokes

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

My friend went to buy some milk, why is she not back yet?

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

What’s the difference between orphans and cars?

I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.

I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.

What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

My classmate, Hailey Legacy.

When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

I was going to tell a joke I made up about my vacuum cleaner, but it sucks.

My favorite novel is "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

When a person in a wheelchair says, "You've never taken a step in my shoes," and you say, "To be honest, you haven't either."

For 9/11, I decided to bomb my twins.

Jacob likes fucking me and my mom.

What's the difference between an orgy and mass suicide?

When exactly my cult members drink the Kool-Aid.

Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.

My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.

So did my friend on the right.

I had a dream of skiing.

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.