My jokes

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.

My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was a blow job.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.

One day, Little Johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked, "What is that, Daddy?" Dad said, "Oh, that's my snake." The next day, Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and asks, "What is that?" Mom says, "That's my bushes." The next day, Little Johnny can't sleep, so he goes into his parents' room and asks Dad, "Why is your snake going into Mom's bushes?"

Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.

As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"

My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.

A joke: my life, hahahahaha! Wait, it's not funny.

I call my friends Dodo birds. Because they don't exist.

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

I finally got my wife to shut up.

Who knew all I had to do was bury her alive all these years, ha! Try telling me to get my feet off the couch now, Karen!

What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?

-"I want my quarterback."

Whenever a woman files a rape accusation, it’s obviously fake. Even the cows at my farm are more likely, at least they aren’t flat.

Why does my mum eat carrots?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

Your mom who?

O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!

What's the difference between a BMW and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a BMW in my garage.

My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

This is my fidget spinner, I got it in my Easter basket.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"