My jokes

I have to file a complaint against Spotify because I didn’t see you on my hot singles last week.

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?

A lot of things.

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?

My dad still hasn't came back with that God damn milk.

I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.

My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot.

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

I noticed my friend's hairline yesterday. I could tell it was a Supercuts hair salon haircut, so how I could tell was 'cuz it was super alright, super lame.

The tables in my class are straight, but I can’t say the same thing for your hairline.

My sister and a basketball got certain things in common.

My sister's tits and ass are bouncy like a basketball.

"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? That’s right, he’s at my house, and he’s building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami won’t let him, so she was walled alive!"

What do you call my friends?...

Short.

What did the barbwire say to big foot? "My name is Jeff."

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."

My favorite novel is "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

I was riding my bike when I saw a man's head in the wheel. It was mine.