My jokes
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.
What did the rapper say to the computer?
“Yo, stop laggin’ my FLOW!”
What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?
One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.
You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.
I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun, now it's an assault rifle.
My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.
I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"
Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?
That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.
My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
What’s the difference between video games and my dad?
My dad doesn’t beat me.
I love my dog and all dogs.