My jokes
White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?
Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink, but they wouldn’t listen, so he kept warning them. Then he was kicked out of the theater.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
My I.
May I who?
May I put this pussy on your mouth?
My biggest joke: I’d show you, but I don’t have a mirror to show you.
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.
My wife cheated on me with my brother.
She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.
Q: What were my son's last words before he died?
A: "Bye, Dad, I am going to school."
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
"Hi, my name is Robert. I have no life. Even my PS4 username is gay lil_bama."
I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.
This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.
Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!
Are you my fish? Because you're supposed to be dead.
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
Are you a bullet? 'Cause you're stuck in my head.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
Neona: Gwen! I got the job!!!!!!!!!
Gwen: I knew it! I knew my prayer worked!
Neona: He said that all my ideas are the best and that I start on Monday!
Gwen: Man, don't you love Mr. Jaekson? He is the best person the company has ever had!
Neona: Who is Mr. Jaekson?
Gwen: Wait... Mr. Jaekson didn't interview you?
Neona: No! Mr. Smith did. He said he was standing.
Gwen: No, Mr. Smith, you are a fool who never lets you spread the word or do anything. I can also mention that he is a person who has sexual problems!
Neona: Gwen, you are a liar!
Gwen: No, I'm not. I'm telling the truth, Neona!
Neona: Gwen, please be happy that I got the job without you lying that Mr. Smith sexual assaults women!!!
Gwen: He does, you're not listening.
Neona: I don't care, BITCH!!!!
Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?
Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.