My jokes

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”

Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?

That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore.

Why?

The ducks keep trying to eat him.

Why would they do that?

Because he’s pure-bread.

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

What did the rapper say to the computer?

“Yo, stop laggin’ my FLOW!”

What’s the difference between video games and my dad?

My dad doesn’t beat me.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"