My jokes

My friend told me an EMO joke once, and I said, "EMO jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"

Knock, knock.

You suck my iron with you and mommy.

During Halloween, my friend went as a skeleton.

He refused to go into the haunted house. Looks like he was SPINE-LESS.

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

I like my women how I like my coffee... HOT.

Roses are red, grass is greener.

When I think of you, I play with my weiner.

I was digging and found some gold. I was going to tell my mom, then I remembered why I was digging.

I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.

Once my friend saw my wrist, slapped it and said "I like ya cuts, G!"

I named my cousin's parrot Michell, and then I started to call Mikey "Mikey", right? I'm starting to teach my cousin Sammy how to say "Mikey Mikey" and he says "mekiy meiky" 😆

I just did a test to see who my soulmate is, and it said "best friend." So I guess I am gay. I think so, WTF.

Question: Why does my teenage brother wear a cape to bed?

Answer: Because he can't sleep in his race car bed...

My grief counselor died the other day.

He was so good at his job, I don't even care.

My dad died in 9/11... He was the best pilot I know.

What’s the difference between a pile of babies and a Tesla?

I don’t have a Tesla in my garage.

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."