My jokes

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I wish my grass was emo, it would cut itself.

I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!

You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?

My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

All my 9/11 jokes seem to fly too low.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn’t want her, why would I?

Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.

My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.

So did my friend on the right.

I had a dream of skiing.

I look at an orphanage, then hug my mum. He just looks sad and crude because he couldn’t find his mum.

You might think that tigers or lions are the best jumpers, but in my opinion, it's emos, because some of them are still in the air.

An orphan boy at my school did really bad in a test and started crying.

I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

Your hairline is so far back that when I put on my glasses, I thought I saw an "M" for McDonald's on your hairline.

My tower is hard, but after six minutes, it fell over.

My older sister said she was gonna shoot herself, so I did it for her.

I would make a joke about 9/11, but my career would crash and burn.

Jacob likes fucking me and my mom.

What does the plane that hit the Twin Towers and milk have in common?

My dad went to get both and never came back.

Now I know what my priest meant by the second coming!

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.