My jokes

Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.

The creator's son tried that!

(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.

What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."

My grandmother made her passage on a boat. The thing wasn’t the only thing that went down.

Once my twin brother died from a plane crash. His last words were, "If it's a bomb, I'll give it a 9/11."

My friend told me an EMO joke once, and I said, "EMO jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"

My dad in 9/11; he was the best pilot.

I put this joke so the amount of jokes will be 69. Also, I have 50 kids in my basement. I fed "Twinkies" last night.

Knock, knock.

You suck my iron with you and mommy.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

My son asked for a swimming pool so I got him a ant 🐜🐜🐜 pool.

The pie tasted weird today.

Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.

You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?

A lot of things.