My jokes
Question: Why does my teenage brother wear a cape to bed?
Answer: Because he can't sleep in his race car bed...
My grief counselor died the other day.
He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
My dad died in 9/11... He was the best pilot I know.
Whatโs the difference between a pile of babies and a Tesla?
I donโt have a Tesla in my garage.
My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.
Memes
My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."
Me: Yo wanna play 9/11?
My Friend: Whatโs that?
Me: Itโs a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.
Amelia is hotter than my mum 696969696.
If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.
And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!
My friend said that his book was getting boring and that he's gonna kill off some characters.
I asked him what his book was about and he said, "Oh, it's an autobiography."
I wish my grass was emo, so then it could cut itself.
What did the blonde say when someone says, "Your baby is so cute?"
"For the last time, I don't want to sign up my child for Tindergarten just yet!"
Bianca: Mr. Doeken, even though I completed my test, you still said it was "late." Why is that?
Mr. Dowon: Bianca, for the LAST TIME, MY LAST NAME IS DOWON!
Bianca (๐คจ): Are you sure?
Mr. Dowon (๐): What do you need, Bianca?
Bianca: It's Bianca!
Mr. Dowon: Are you sure?
Orphan: My mommy and daddy love me.
Guy: Where are they then?
Orphan: In the eternal depths of [hell].
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I donโt have a costume so please donโt reprimand...
When I open up the door, Iโve got my penis in my hand.
I stood in front of the mirror. "Joseph, I will love and protect you forever," my dick cooed. I looked down at it, a single crystalline tear sliding down my face. I was at peace.
Hi my sweet friends! This is for everyone who needs help right now :)
To Tina: Hi, love, you're my oldest and dearest friend. I will love you for as long as I live. I luvv you so much, my sweetest, dearest darling.
How on God's green earth does my boyfriend have a phone?
JK WE NEED TO TALK ILL TYPE THE SECRET CODE (YOU'LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.) GREEN PUSSY CAT LIKES BANNANS.
Are you my friend?
Because I would make you more than that.