My jokes

My friend said he saw a blind man. I said, "Did he LOOK nice?"

Your hairline is so far back my dad even took 48 hours to reach it.

Your hairline is so far back that when I put on my glasses, I thought I saw an "M" for McDonald's on your hairline.

You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!

Kid me: I lost my stick.

Teacher: No, you didn’t.

Kid me: How do you know that?

Teacher: It’s hanging out of your pants.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

My tower is hard, but after six minutes, it fell over.

I wish my grass was emo, it would cut itself.

I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!

My girlfriend is growing watermelons, not in the ground though (we had fun that night)!

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Your hairline be lookin' like my negative bank account balance -1,000,000.

Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.

I tell my therapist I’m scared of the 3rd, 9th, and 15th letter of the alphabet.

Doctor: Oh, I see.

Me: Ahhhh!!!!!

Hii! Oh my gosh. It has been forever! How have you guys been? Comment your favorite movie!!!! <3

911 what's your emergency?

"Burning in toaster."

"Toast?"

"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"

"Set fire to my forest!"

My dog died today. 😥

My father, who flew the plane, couldn't have a funeral, he went everywhere.

My hair goes just onto my collar bones. WOW! That's longer than I'll live.

Bro, the Twin Towers are like my grandpa and his friends. One survived—my grandpa. The others have fallen—his friends.