My jokes

"Hold my beer, watch this."

My dogs pooped in my shoes? Pooper.

I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."

I broke up with my emo girlfriend yesterday, look who came crawling back!

I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.

What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"

For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.

What should I sell my dragon for?

Dragon these balls across yo face!

Teacher told me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch, fool.

What's the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage :|

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

I caught my wife cheating on me.

I beat my son and grounded him.

One day, I was walking through a park when I realized it was crowded.

To this day, I still don't know who let the children out of my basement.

My teacher says no phones allowed. I say my phone is allowed because I’m nobody, Dania.

My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.