My jokes

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

Q. What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?

A. The little girl in my trunk.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

My friend is an amazing hacker. He cut down 23 trees already.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

My girlfriend got COVID.

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore.

Why?

The ducks keep trying to eat him.

Why would they do that?

Because he’s pure-bread.

When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”