My jokes

"If two sides in a battlefield read my book, there will be no winner."

Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

Today, I asked my phone "Siri" why am I still single, and it activated the front camera.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

I am so depressed! I get jealous when my phone dies.

My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”

Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words:

"You need to park a little closer."

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

Me: Yo, dude! Yo mama so fat when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes!

My friend's mom: Why you bully me?

I played Uno with my Mexican friend.

That bastard took all the green cards!

One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.

What's the difference between a dead body and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

My son asked for a swimming pool so I got him a ant 🐜🐜🐜 pool.

For some reason, my mom likes to lick and suck on hotdogs. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Why did the cop ask the orphan if he was home alone?

The orphan said because my parents have never come back yet because I have none.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Leaf. “Leaf” who? Leaf my house, or else you will regret it. You don’t live here, you dumb idiot! ?!

Should I kill the main character's best friends in my book? It's an autobiography.

I was riding my bike when I saw a man's head in the wheel. It was mine.