My jokes

McDonald's worker be like, "Hello, would you like a Mc-Dick?" (You looked down) You: "Uhh, where's my dick?"

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

I went to a restaurant and a waiter took my order. She had two black eyes, so I ordered real slow.

Because obviously she doesn’t listen.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

I call my penis the truth because the truth always comes out of children’s mouths.

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore.

Why?

The ducks keep trying to eat him.

Why would they do that?

Because he’s pure-bread.

Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?

That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.

I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.

The fact I couldn't hear the announcements at my school because the boys in my advisory are clapping with no hands should be a joke just in itself. They were making sexual faces as well, oh, and don't forget the moaning they do.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

Nah, I'm Hawaiian but I'm also Japanese. So does that mean I bombed my own harbor?

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.

Not screaming like her passengers.

Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?

Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.