My jokes
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. Instead, I just went to the top of the water.
I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun, now it's an assault rifle.
My friend went to buy some milk, why is she not back yet?
Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"
Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"
My classmate, Hailey Legacy.
Memes
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.
Man's friend: Same.
Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.
Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.
Man: Oh great heavens!
My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.
My friend looks more red than Mr. Krabs.
It’s weird, I could’ve sworn I saw the silhouette of a belt hurling towards him the other day.
I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home.
Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.
An orphan boy at my school did really badly on a test and started crying. I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”
Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.
His parents weren't too happy.
"If two sides in a battlefield read my book, there will be no winner."
Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
Today, I asked my phone "Siri" why am I still single, and it activated the front camera.
My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"
I am so depressed! I get jealous when my phone dies.
My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”
Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words:
"You need to park a little closer."