My jokes

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun, now it's an assault rifle.

I have to file a complaint against Spotify because I didn’t see you on my hot singles last week.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

McDonald's worker be like, "Hello, would you like a Mc-Dick?" (You looked down) You: "Uhh, where's my dick?"

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore.

Why?

The ducks keep trying to eat him.

Why would they do that?

Because he’s pure-bread.

When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”

Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?

That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

What did the rapper say to the computer?

“Yo, stop laggin’ my FLOW!”

Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.

My biology teacher told us "get out nice and sharp colored pencils." Does she mean as sharp as in the blades I use to cut myself?

People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"

"Yeah, over my dead body!"

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."