A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
My Jokes
My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.
What did the llama say when the villagers said that he had to leave the village?
"Alpaca my bags."
Wanna see my pp again?
What did the barbwire say to big foot? "My name is Jeff."
I asked my sister to say something.
She said, "No."
That's what I like to hear.
What’s the best part of fucking Noor’s vulva (btw Noor is black)? If my dick is right beside Mara’s vulva (btw Mara’s white and so am I).
"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? That’s right, he’s at my house, and he’s building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami won’t let him, so she was walled alive!"
What do you call my friends?...
Short.
I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.
But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.
You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?
A lot of things.
What's the difference between a boomerang and my dad?
The boomerang comes back.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
After I see an anime boy acting cool,
Me at school acting cool:
My brothers: "He's just acting cool."
Me: I'm gonna kill u 0.0
I hate my stupid wrinkly ring doing f, dad!
If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.
My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot.
One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.
My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.
I told her to keep her chins up.
