My jokes

The only joke my dad ever made was me.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.

I'll never forget my grampa's last words, "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

My name is Shelly Bobby... I don't know my last name.

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.

I was on a flight to California, but my next in the Empire State Building.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

When you ask an orphan to come over:

Kid: "Do you want to come over to my house?"

Orphan: "Yeah, sure."

Kid: "Ok, ask your parents—oh wait."

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"

A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

Have you watched the show "Naked and Afraid"? Well, I play it every Saturday with my uncle.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, because I need new parts for my go-kart.