My jokes

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

I like my women how I like my coffee... HOT.

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!"

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

"Hold my beer, watch this."

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

I have trash so I throw it at my sister and say that she is a trash can.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”

What makes laissez-faire and a gangbang the same?

Not my problem.

Beans for centuries have been called "false friends," because they have a tendency to talk behind one's back. If you get my drift. 🤣

Guys, I'm back...

Here's my joke:

What is blue and red all over?

Blood in the water of a shark attack victim.

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.