My jokes

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

I like my women how I like my coffee... HOT.

While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.

Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?

A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.

I love my dog and all dogs.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

Your mom: Your plate is full, that's enough food on your plate.

Me: My plate is not full, I still see the white of the plate.

Hey Autocorrect- STOP TAMPERING WITH MY CURSE WORDS YOU MOTHERDUCKING FORKLIFT!

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

My family.

I lost my job making storage units for the police after a week. I guess you could say it was a brief case.

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!"

I have fun with my friends.

Stephanie is my name.

I love my name.

I wish my lawn was emo, so I would not have to cut it, it would cut itself.

So I was visiting my friends Timmy and Tommy at the phone store and I said, "A. T&T!"

I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.