My jokes

I am so depressed! I get jealous when my phone dies.

My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”

Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words:

"You need to park a little closer."

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

My classmate, Hailey Legacy.

I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.

I was sitting in class, and the teacher said he wasn't disappointed in me and my best friend, but not so much in me.

I looked at my best friend and said, "I'm a disappointment to the teacher, too."

What do you call it when a man named Ned works at Panera Bread?

Panera Ned.

I'm on a roll with my jokes, right now!

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."

Yo mama so fat, she sat on my dick and broke it.

My friend went to buy some milk, why is she not back yet?

Orphans around my area only watched Youtube Shorts.

I asked them and then realized they can't click the home button.

Credit to my boy tippecanoe3 for this joke.

What do you call it when Panera isn’t hungry?

Panera fed.

Credit to RogueRobot for this one:

What does Panera sleep in?

Panera bed.

For my birthday on September 11th this year, I just want a plane, but delicious, chocolate cake.

My depression is depressed.

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

I played Uno with my Mexican friend.

That bastard took all the green cards!

One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”

Should I kill the main character's best friends in my book? It's an autobiography.