My jokes

My 14 year old daughter went shopping at a grocery story.

She gets to the register and she asked the cashier to scan her scarred wrist.

The cashier scanned it and replied with, "Ma'am this item is worthless."

Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression, It would cut itself.

My dad died during 9/11, he was the best pilot in all Saudi Arabia.

My friend's emo. I told her to play jump rope with me. She hanged herself. Lol.

My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.

Him: How do you break things?

Me: You break things up.

Him: Okay.

Me: Is everything okay?

Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.

On the plus side, I finally hear voices talking to me... just wish they were outside my head.

It’s disappointing that Los Angeles doesn’t offer better transportation, especially since my neighbor offers free mustache rides every night.

Little Johnny is my son, and he got hit by a semi-truck owned by a Russian. Now I am on my way on a nuclear submarine with a Burger King Whopper to Moscow, then take revenge for little Johnny!

What do you call two men fucking? My dad and I. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

When I was 17, my mom’s door was always locked. I wonder what she was doing.

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

When someone said to an orphan, "My boyfriend ghosted me," the orphan says back, "Don't worry, my parents ghosted me!" 🤣

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

Am tired of my country!!!! How can two policemen use one gun?

What is the difference between a rock and my girlfriend?

One is rock hard, and the other is Dwayne Johnson.

To a Mexican person: When I first met you, I thought you were going to say, "My name is Enrique, I have a job for you."

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I call him a hypocrite and unplug his life support. 😄😆🔥👍

Me: You know what's the favorite slogan that Hindus like the most?

My friend: What?

Me: “kati supari kata paan katiyo ko bhejo pakistan.”

My therapist said to try having a different outlook on life.

I agree. I should have a different outlook on life. Preferably from underground.

I ate the last of my Egyptian food, and now I falafel. I don't know why I made that joke. Probably just becuscus.