My jokes

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

If my boobies are fish, then am I salmon boobies? Please give generously.

Yesterday I asked my friend, "What is a fish without eyes?"

They replied, "I don’t know."

I said, "Fsh."

My enemy told me I’m adopted, so I told him at least I got adopted.

I have a dead fish in my lunchbox.

(To a thief) If you like taking things, how about you take my life?

One time the dog got bit by a snake, so my dad had to shoot it. My dad said to me, "This is what's going to happen to your little brother." "What little brother?" Exactly.

I have tried coke; it is not my cup of tea.

A girl walks in the room. She asks her mom, "Why's my name Flower?" Her mom said, "When you were born, a flower fell on your head." Brick walks in the room. Jasvidnqzkdvsosbd.

My uncle died on 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.

My friend said I was gay, but then I realised he was talking to the mirror.

Why am I banned from my Catholic orphanage?

Because the children kept calling me "daddy."

One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"

Are you my homework because I’m supposed to be doing you right now, but I’m not.

My name says it all.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

What has ten children crying, naked, and screaming for their parents?

My big green pedo machine.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.