Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.
Man's friend: Same.
Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.
Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.
Man: Oh great heavens!
My Jokes
My friend looks more red than Mr. Krabs.
It’s weird, I could’ve sworn I saw the silhouette of a belt hurling towards him the other day.
My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home.
Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.
An orphan boy at my school did really badly on a test and started crying. I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”
Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.
His parents weren't too happy.
I've got a job defusing landmines.
It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.
I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.
When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:
Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"
Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
"If two sides in a battlefield read my book, there will be no winner."
Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
What’s the difference between orphans and cars?
I don’t have 1080 cars in my basement.
What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."
Today, I asked my phone "Siri" why am I still single, and it activated the front camera.
I am so depressed! I get jealous when my phone dies.
My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”
Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words:
"You need to park a little closer."
