My jokes
I have a cow over at my house spending the night with me because she has been out in the streets homeless and poor, so my family forced it to come and live with me at my place.
The cow asks me, "Where do I keep all the dairy items like the milk, cheese, yogurt, and meat?" I tell her, "In the refrigerator! Where do you think I keep them, on the farm with all the rest of those cows?"
That night we had to share a room and sleep in the same damn bed. Then she started getting high and drank some cow wine with titty milk, and it made her shit all over the bed.
I think my dad is too black because whenever he goes to bed and closes his eyes, he disappears. 🤣
Why did my mother buy me a Honda? She knows I can't move, so she pushed my wheelchair with me in it into the ocean. I survived just by a second, but a shark got my wheelchair, fucking bitch.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
A teacher asked her class “what is sex?”
Little Johnny got up and said: “Sex is a *temptation* Caused by a *sensation* Where the boy sticks his *location* Into a girls *destination* To increase the *population* Of the next *generation* Did you get my *explanation*? Or do you need a *demonstration*?”
The teacher faints.
I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.
My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.
There's an orphan in my class... For some reason, he never leaves.
Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.
"Immobile" means "I'm mobile" in my books.
My life. BAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHHA
So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.
Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I’m sorry you look like my old beat up shoe.
I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.
Why doesn't my egg want to crack?
Because I hate my egg-sistence.
TEST QUESTION: what looks like half an apple?
My cousin: the other half.
My pen is so strong, ladies, come and get it!
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
Holy fucking shit, Addison, watersharky, Gwen, and all of you other cringelords, I swear to God if I hear one more thing about "please be kind, no bullying on the internet," I will actually shoot my local school.
You may not know, since you are only 8 years old or whatever, but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others, and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness, it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your "please be kind" messages to yourselves.