My jokes
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
Why? You ask.
Because it only takes one charge to bring it back to life.
My grandmother made her passage on the Titanic. The ship was not the only thing that went down.
Guys, you shouldn't joke about 9/11.
My great-uncle died that day. Best damn pilot in Iraq.
You're the sun in my life, now get 93 million miles away from me.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
To Cock-A-Doodle Die. Now you have a rooster pancake. My favorite. ^^
I played Rock Paper Scissors with my friend Enyaw. I cba with jokes basically me and Enyaw always scissor.
My sister told me only onions make you cry, so I always hit her back when she hit me, but I hit her with a shoe only to catch her cry.
An Asian student was learning logarithm in class. He wrote down his name after the question. The teacher asked why. He replied, "My class ID is number 1."
My dad is now a milkman.
Now I have over 50 brothers and sisters.
Bro, living is so expensive, and I'm not even having fun doing it or getting my money's worth.
I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"
I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.
She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."
Parent: My parents never attended my birthdays.
Birthday girl: Oh wow!
Parent: Anyone missing?
Birthday girl: Your parents.
Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
My friend: To get to the other side?
Me: No, to get to the idiot's house.
My friend: Oh.
Me: Knock knock.
My friend: Who's there?
Me: The chicken.
I get jealous when my phone dies.
This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.
My mom is bad and my dad is bad.
My ex-wife misses me, but her aim is getting better.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies. (This does not apply to me. It's a joke.)