My jokes

Three men walk into a bar. The 1st says, "Hey, how's it going?" The 2nd one says, "Great!" But then the 3rd man says, "Hello, where did my wife go? I swear she was just here!" What happened to the 3rd guy's wife?

Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.

Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"

Q: What did one atom say to the other?

A: I have my ion you.

I was looking forward to my date with this paraplegic girl, but she stood me up.

What is black and white and is dead?

My Chemical Romance.

What did the wire say to the electrician?

"Stop twisting my nuts!"

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

My aunt worked as a human cannonball.

I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.

A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.

To not be outdone, the blond retorts:

"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"

I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."

My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.

Aaaah, I really wish Stephen Hawking was an organ donor...

I really need some new parts to my go-kart.

I love you, Explain Bear. Please bear my children.

Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.

So I sold them.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

bully: "Your life's a joke."

me: "My life's not a joke, jokes have meaning."

How many dead babies does it take to paint my room?

It depends how many bullets you have.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

A girl asked her mom, "Why is my name Walmart?"

Her dad replied and said, "Because that’s where you were made."