My jokes

I get jealous when my phone dies.

My dad died in 9/11. At least he did what he loves best: flying planes.

This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"

I'm so poor I have to put my Big Mac burger on layaway.

An orphan once said, "I will call my mum and go home."

A homeless kid once said he will go home.

I was raised as an only child, which I think was hard for my brother.

Finish the lyrics: Can I put my...

Cremation is my only hope for a hot, smoking body.

My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.

I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.

I was about to run and tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden...

I asked my boyfriend who his favorite motivational speaker was. He said Andrew Tate. I told him the BEST motivational speaker was Stephen Hawking.

My grief counselor died.

He was so good, I don’t even care! 😂😂😂

My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.

My dad died in 9/11, and that was the second worst thing that happened to me with a plane, next to Soul Plane.

I have a Twin Towers model in my room.

It got infested with jumping spiders.

I bought my son a trampoline. That little a**hole stayed in his wheelchair the whole day.

A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it’s too long."

Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it."