My jokes
What do the Twin Towers and my Mom have in common? They both went down on my dad.
I would have a joke for my friend... but he can't afford the punchline.
+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.
+1 follower = 1 kid in my Microwave.
+1 Comet.
My doctor said I need to lose calories, so I got a piece of paper, wrote "calories," and lit it on fire.
My friend just told me about reverse exorcisms.
In these, the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.
Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.
When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.
“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
My friend says, "You should try Oreos with water."
Me: No, because my dad actually came back with the milf.
I keep trying to call my emo friend. They keep hanging up.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
Why? You ask.
Because it only takes one charge to bring it back to life.
An Asian student was learning logarithm in class. He wrote down his name after the question. The teacher asked why. He replied, "My class ID is number 1."
Your mama's so fat that she can’t even talk, even if Kevin says, "Oh my gosh!" 'cause she has a big ass mouth.
I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.
I told the ugly friend in my friend group that when they daydream, they shouldn't picture themselves because it will just ruin it.
What does a knife have but not my life...
A point.
My crush rejected me 2 years ago, and I still have never moved on. I'll be over her when a train is over me.
I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.
A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."
My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.
So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"
I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"
My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.
My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.
"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."
What is the difference between a broom and a mop?
It’s hard to beat my girlfriend when she’s holding the mop.