My jokes

What do Myspace and my dad have in common?

I haven't seen them in a while.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.

But I got seven Up.

Your forehead is so big you can headbutt my face and chest at the same time.

My dad went for the milk, but he left his wheelchair.

My Mum texted me she had lost her phone.

Me and my friends are going to create a Steps tribute band. We are all in wheelchairs, so we are going to be called "Ramps."

The pterodactyl went in my bathroom and peed.

When I was in the shower, I couldn't hear it. Why? Because the "p" is silent.

The last thing I said to my dog was,

"Play dead."

I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.

He hugged me!

So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!

And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.

My sister 🤣😂

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Where's my sister's friend? Oh, I forgot, we are in Alabama.

My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.

Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.

Chris Rock: Jada, I can't wait to see you in G.I. Jane 2!

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song starts playing:

Will: "I got in one lil' fight about my wife's lost hair, she said, 'Will, if you don't do something I'm gonna have an affair!'" 😂😂😂

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.

My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.