My jokes

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

Scan my wrist for 75% off!

I love trash bags because they remind me of my heart... black.

My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

Kid 1: Guys, stop making 9/11 jokes. My dad died in 9/11.

Kid 2: Sorry, I didn't know.

Kid 1: He was the best fighter pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.

I rate my dad as a pilot 9 out of 11.

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!

Gays are always welcome on my Redneck Party Bus. NOT!

My father touched me yesterday. I called him a priest.

You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.

My girlfriend said I was a ped0phi1e.

That's a big word for a 6 year old!

If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?

My dog died. I'm so sad.

What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and kids?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I'd tell a joke about how my mom was abusive, but I either forgot everything, or she just wasn't there.

One day in Roblox, someone was arguing with me, and they asked me my age. "18." They said that they were twenty-two.

Me: "If you're so smart, what's the largest daycare game on Roblox?"

Him: "Yo Hair," he said. Then he left the game, and I said, "That is so messed up. Actually, that's bullcrap."