My jokes

Today my ex got hit by a bus.

I also lost my job as a bus driver.

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

What's the difference between me and my best friends?

At least one of us has a house.

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "My wife just died of cancer, and my alcohol addiction is tearing my family apart."

The bartender responds, saying "Oh" sympathetically. "Sucks to be you!" the bartender yells, throwing a bottle of wine at the horse.

Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.

Your forehead is too big. I can see my future when it shines.

My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.

My favorite joke is my life.

I took my girlfriend to the beach and a marine biologist thought she was a beluga whale!

I wish I was dead like my jokes.

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.

Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."

Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.

Why did my dad cross the road?

To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.

I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.

"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

I am Asian.

I am so Asian my pronouns are: heeEEE/Ya.

My anus smells.