My jokes

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

I wanted to fuck my mom, but she replied, "My pussy only belongs to your dad." That's why I had to fuck her in the a$$!

I asked my daddy what sex was. He said, "Wanna cum and try it?"

Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?

Her miscarriage.

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

"Excuse me, you're in my sun (son)."

Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son. Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day. 😐

My dad died in 9/11. He was such a good pilot.

My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

How many dead slaves does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently, more than 6, because my basement is still dark.

My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...

So I threw a carrot at her.

My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..

They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.

What's the difference between a dead baby and an orange?

I don't keep a trash bag full of oranges in my basement.

My grandpa died during World War II. He was the best concentration camp guard they have ever seen. RIP.

I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"

I named my iPod "Titanic." It's syncing now.

I'd tell ya a poop joke, but you're my favorite turd.

My uncle died in the 9/11 attacks. He was the best pilot I had ever met.

To master puns, you got to relish them first. That's how I must(ar)d it. Who knows, maybe you will ketchup to my level.

In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.

My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.