My jokes

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

My grades.

Son: "Mom, am I adopted?"

Mom: "Yes."

Son: "Where are my real parents?"

Dad: "We are your real parents, so... GET OUT!"

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

What do you call two emos in a chemistry lab?

My Chemical Romance.

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?

They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.

Dam, sometimes when I look at my friend's head, I say, "Dam, that's a dam big head, Nick." Then he is like, "Dude, that's a literal dam."

Ok, ok, ooh, I'm so lit right now.

Your life is so boring, why you sleepin' on me? I can hear you snorin'. Aye, I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that lit lit. Why don't you just get up? Aye, yeah, get him 'cause I'm awake, boy. Ooh, I'm so lit right now, your life is so boring, why you sleepin' on me? I can hear you snorin'. Aye, I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that lit lit. Why don't you just get up? Aye, yeah, get him 'cause I'm awake, boy. Ok, ok, ooh, I'm so lit right now, your life is so boring, why you sleepin' on me? I can hear you snorin'. Aye, I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that lit lit. Why don't you just get up? Aye, yeah, get him 'cause I'm awake, boy.

Roses are red, violets are blue, there are kids in my basement, you'll be there soon.

"My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104."

Are you George Floyd?

'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!

Look at my name and you'll see.

What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.