My Jokes

I kept asking these kids where their parents are, and they started crying. I walked away laughing, thinking I love my job at an orphanage.

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

Are you George Floyd?

'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!

The origin of my pfp

A white kitten with one blue eye and one brown eye. Above its head is a loading symbol. The text says: "So tell me more about yourself" Me, trying to remember who I am:

What are the similarities between the twin towers and my ex?

They both went down on my dad.

One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!

My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!

My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.

People on the Titanic were cracking up at my jokes, so did the Titanic. No, really, the Titanic cracked in half!

My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.

My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.

How am I an ableist? My ex-girlfriend was in a wheelchair, and we lived in the same old building with a broken elevator. I ended the relationship by moving to the 8th floor.

I hate when people make jokes about the Twin Towers.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

So I got my sister shampoo for her birthday, and she stood there and threw her wig on the floor.

Merry Christmas, my fellow hoes!

What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?

"My bum hurts!"

My father died in 9/11. It's such a shame. He was a great pilot. 😔

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...