My jokes

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.

Dmitri! Where's my vodka?

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got ran over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."

"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"

"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

I think my dad's gay because he goes out with his mates to get milk but never returns.

I'm just like my LEDs, I'm meant to be hung.

My dad died in the 9/11 attack. He was a good pilot.

I will always remember my grandma's last words: "What are you doing with that pillow?"

My grandpa said my generation relies too much on technology.

Then I unplugged his life support. :)

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find God, he'll help you!"

Then the man said, "There’s only one way to get to God, and that is through Jesus. Have you, my friend, found him?"

What is the only video game to be ever made in Africa?

Where's My Water?

Me: Hey, do you want to meet my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My dad didn't beat the cancer.

Why did my dad cross the road?

To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.

Everyone else seems to have met my dad. I only have the mugshots.

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

My grandpa died in 9/11. He crashed a plane.