My jokes

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.

So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.

Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"

And I said: "They're the exact same thing."

Then they said: "But when did it happen?"

So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"

Recently I visited a restaurant in Crotone. When I was done eating, I told the waitress I was “Penaldo” with my food. She instantly knew that I was finished with my food.

If I don't find a reason to live soon, my ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's gonna be hanging from my ceiling.

My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

I wish my grass were emo because then it would cut itself.

My aim is cursed; one of my Angry Birds hit a field.

Muslim child to his mother: "Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?"

Mom: "Allahu Akbar, my son, Allahu Akbar!"

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

The people at 9/11 must have been able to read fast. If I explain it, it won't be funny. This is an old joke my friend told me.

My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.

My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.

What is an orphan's excuse to leave a party?

"I'm gonna make like my parents and run."

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.

What did the emo say before he crossed the road?

"Fuck my life."