My jokes

My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...

Recently I visited a restaurant in Crotone. When I was done eating, I told the waitress I was “Penaldo” with my food. She instantly knew that I was finished with my food.

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

Tell me a joke.

My life.

My depressed body would look great hanging from a tree...

I remember my uncle's last words:

"I don't think we're going shooting today."

What did the emo say before he crossed the road?

"Fuck my life."

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!

I have an announcement, Shadow the Hedgehog is a bitch ass motherfucker. He pissed on my fucking wife and he said he dick was this big and I said that's disgusting, so I'm making a callout post on my twitter dot com. Shadow, u got a small dick it looks like this walnut except way smaller.

I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.