My jokes

My depressed body would look great hanging from a tree...

Tell me a joke.

My life.

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

I remember my uncle's last words:

"I don't think we're going shooting today."

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.

What did the emo say before he crossed the road?

"Fuck my life."

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.

Are you the voices I've been hearing?

Because I can't seem to get you out of my head. (Schizophrenic RIZZ)

My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!

I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

My friend put an action toy and called it Kobe and put it on a drone. I realized that my friend didn't know how to fly a drone.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.

A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.

What is the difference between 100 dead babies and a Mustang Challenger?

I don't have a Mustang Challenger in my garage.

What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?

My brother didn’t beat cancer.