My jokes

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!

My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.

Are you the voices I've been hearing?

Because I can't seem to get you out of my head. (Schizophrenic RIZZ)

I had a cake for my gender reveal party. I cut it, and the inside was yellow...

My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.

I wish my grass were emo because then it would cut itself.

My aim is cursed; one of my Angry Birds hit a field.

Recently I visited a restaurant in Crotone. When I was done eating, I told the waitress I was “Penaldo” with my food. She instantly knew that I was finished with my food.

If I don't find a reason to live soon, my ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's gonna be hanging from my ceiling.

I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!

Muslim child to his mother: "Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?"

Mom: "Allahu Akbar, my son, Allahu Akbar!"

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...

The people at 9/11 must have been able to read fast. If I explain it, it won't be funny. This is an old joke my friend told me.

What did the emo say before he crossed the road?

"Fuck my life."