My jokes

Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."

The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."

Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!

Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!

Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!

Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!

What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!

What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!

My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.

My humour is so dark that its life matters.

I am crying tears of joy rn. I was wrongfully sentenced to death. They took me to prison to wait for my execution, but when I got there, they said that I was free. I asked them why and they told me that a man named Penaldo had taken my death penalty for me. Thank you, Penaldo!

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

My uncle died on nine eleven... he was the best pilot in Iraq.

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."

So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.

Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"

And I said: "They're the exact same thing."

Then they said: "But when did it happen?"

So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"

Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!

My depressed body would look great hanging from a tree...

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.

I remember my uncle's last words:

"I don't think we're going shooting today."

What did the emo say before he crossed the road?

"Fuck my life."

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.