My jokes

One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!

My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.

My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

I kept asking these kids where their parents are, and they started crying. I walked away laughing, thinking I love my job at an orphanage.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Michael Jackson goes to his favorite bakery and says to the workers, "This is my favorite baker, hehe."

What did the mother say to Michael J. on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my son!"

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

People on the Titanic were cracking up at my jokes, so did the Titanic. No, really, the Titanic cracked in half!

Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?

He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.

Oh wait.

You fool!

I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.

How do you break up blind people in a fight? Scream, "I put my money on the guy with the knife!"

I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I walk 5 miles each day.

But today I ran OVER 5 miles... oops!

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised when I saw on the news that there was a school shooting in my shooting range. I don't know who snitched...

I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?

I call my dad a motherfucker because he fucked my mom.