My jokes

I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.

What are the similarities between the twin towers and my ex?

They both went down on my dad.

Helicopter, helicopter, Kobe Bryant in my chopper, Sitting next to burning daughter, Lots of smoke and little laughter.

I hate when people make jokes about the Twin Towers.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My father died in 9/11. It's such a shame. He was a great pilot. 😔

So I got my sister shampoo for her birthday, and she stood there and threw her wig on the floor.

What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?

"My bum hurts!"

How am I an ableist? My ex-girlfriend was in a wheelchair, and we lived in the same old building with a broken elevator. I ended the relationship by moving to the 8th floor.

Merry Christmas, my fellow hoes!

I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.

One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!

My mom said, "Take out the trash," but I couldn't find you.

My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

I kept asking these kids where their parents are, and they started crying. I walked away laughing, thinking I love my job at an orphanage.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Michael Jackson goes to his favorite bakery and says to the workers, "This is my favorite baker, hehe."

What did the mother say to Michael J. on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my son!"

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

People on the Titanic were cracking up at my jokes, so did the Titanic. No, really, the Titanic cracked in half!