My jokes

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

I wish my grass were emo, so it would cut itself.

Hi, I am just wondering who went into my account, 'cause I've changed my password, by the way.

What do you call an autistic person? Names.

I'm autistic myself, so don't go crying in my comment section.

I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...

I have no beef with them.

Sister: "Has anyone seen my clothes?"

Brother: "They're still in my bed."

I think one of my dads might be gay.

I regret my abortion.

I didn’t know child labor was an option.

My grandpa is a great hero. He's the one who shot Hitler.

What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

I was crying because my dad was cutting onions...

Onions was a good dog.

My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.

So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

My friend said my life was a joke.

No jokes have meaning.