My jokes

So my teacher's daughter committed suicide.

One day I'ma go up to her and say, "What's wrong, did Logan Paul leave your daughter hanging?"

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.

Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?

Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.

Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!

Dad: Oh, hey Brick!

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

"This isn't the first time my husband's cheated on me, but you're my sister! You'd better have a better explanation than this magic lamp."

"You know how you have to be specific making wishes? Well, I was really horny and asked the genie to have the world's biggest penis....ended up with a concert pianist that's seven foot tall. Nice guy. Next time I tried, I asked for the world's biggest cock, that was fun but the poor rooster died. So I asked for the world's biggest dick and that's how I ended up on top of your husband."

I don't want to die alone... That is why I am working my way up to become a suicide bomber!

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."

My dad smashed my PS5, so I smashed his wife.

dont make jokes about the accident my dad died in it he was the best pilot in all of Saudi Arabia :(

I got my orphan kid a phone. She was pressing the home button, but it didn't work.

My doctor told me, "Time heals wounds."

So I stabbed him.

Now we wait...

I hate when my class want to play hangman. Not because they hang a man, but because I get jealous.

What's similar between a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside of her?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's going to kill me!"

Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

My best friend ran away with my wife. I really miss him.

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."