My jokes

My science teacher asked me what is found inside cells.

I guess "blacks" wasn't the right answer.

I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.

Now I'm terrified of airports.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...

I have no beef with them.

What do you call an autistic person? Names.

I'm autistic myself, so don't go crying in my comment section.

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.

I love the way the Earth rotates.

It really makes my day!

They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

Hey girl, are you a drill sergeant, because you have my privates' attention.

Hi, I am just wondering who went into my account, 'cause I've changed my password, by the way.

What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.

The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.

The match: "Ur my match." The thighs: "You light me up."

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.