My jokes
Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.
Me: But you are not standing:)
My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:
Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*
Me: Name all the planets.
Other person: Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Neptune, Mercury, Uranus.
Me: Not my anus!
When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”
"Hippity hoppity, don't abolish my property!"
NO PAPERS CAN CHANGE MY FUTURE!
Today a girl asked me how big my dick is, so I asked how big her pussy is, and she said, "Come over to my house and find out!"
Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!
Once my friend's bakery burned down... His business is toast.
My sad ass life.
You're an apple. Now suck my dick!
There is a feminist group in my town.
It is called Gal-Qaeda.
(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)
Superman was flying one day when he saw Wonder Woman laying by the pool completely naked. He thought, "I can fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he then flew down to the pool and did fuck her.
Wonder Woman stood up and said, "What was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole stinks!"
I wish my grass was emo, it would cut itself.
My boner had better structural support than the Twin Towers.
Almost all of you suck. If you're following me, hah, this isn't a joke, but it gave my profile a 1 thingy heheh. KYS, Wade =D
My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.
Now, my wrists look like a tiger.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 8 because my basement is still dark.
I don't understand the plane crash at 9/11. My dad was a great pilot!
My hair strainer is hotter than you.
When my girlfriend broke up with me, I took her wheelchair. I always knew she would come crawling back.