My jokes
"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,
"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not 27, because my basement is still dark.
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.
My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.
I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."
Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister and I feel better.
What do you call pasta that’s made by a skeleton? A CREEPYpasta! (It’s my first one, lol)
There is a feminist group in my town.
It is called Gal-Qaeda.
(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)
I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣
My friend's mother thought a kid who had autism and Down syndrome called him a "double down."
Ex: baby i miss u.
Me: sorry i can't talk, i'm at a funeral.
Ex: who died?!
Me: my feelings 4 u, bitch.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.
We had sex afterwards even though she lost.