My jokes
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not 27, because my basement is still dark.
I got jealous when my phone dies.
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister and I feel better.
What do you call pasta that’s made by a skeleton? A CREEPYpasta! (It’s my first one, lol)
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.
My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.
I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."
There is a feminist group in my town.
It is called Gal-Qaeda.
(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)
"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."
My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.
I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”
It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger said.
"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.
I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣
My friend's mother thought a kid who had autism and Down syndrome called him a "double down."
Ex: baby i miss u.
Me: sorry i can't talk, i'm at a funeral.
Ex: who died?!
Me: my feelings 4 u, bitch.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.
We had sex afterwards even though she lost.