My jokes
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
I named my dog "5 miles" so I could say I ran five miles today. I ran over 5 miles.
It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger said.
"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.
I started crying when my dad cut up onions.
Onions was such a good hamster.
What is the only warm organ in a dead woman?
My dick!
Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!
My nan must really love the quiet game, she's been playing it for ages.
I was crying when my dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.
Now we wait...
Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.
I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.
"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."
There is a feminist group in my town.
It is called Gal-Qaeda.
(I actually got this from The Simpsons, so credit to the show.)
I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."
My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.
I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”
I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.
I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣
Ex: baby i miss u.
Me: sorry i can't talk, i'm at a funeral.
Ex: who died?!
Me: my feelings 4 u, bitch.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.
We had sex afterwards even though she lost.