My jokes

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.

My sister told me a joke.

All she said was "my life."

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

My life is the joke.

Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.

The jury: O.o

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

I had a dog with an eating disorder.

He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words...

Oh fuck, it’s a bus!