My jokes
my therapist says with time all wounds can heal.
So I stabbed him. Now we wait.
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
Man, my Muslim friend's the bomb!
A starving homeless kid asks me for food.
I said, "sorry, my plate is full."
My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.
Memes
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.
I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.
My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.
My sister told me a joke.
All she said was "my life."
My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.
I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...
Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."
My friends: "What's your dream job?"
Me: "I'm going to die young :))"
What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"
Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"
A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.
My life is the joke.
Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.
The jury: O.o
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."
Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.
When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"
I said, "I shit you not."