My jokes

My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.

The Titanic, just like my phone, IT JUST WON'T SYNC.

Edit: Never mind, it started to sync...

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:

1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."

my therapist says with time all wounds can heal.

So I stabbed him. Now we wait.

Man, my Muslim friend's the bomb!

My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.

I always hit on 16, then get busted.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I told my mom I wanted my first time to be special.

My mom was 19 when she was pregnant with me, My mom was 39 when she was pregnant by me!!!

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.

Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.

The jury: O.o

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."