My jokes
A boy and his friend were walking down the street.
Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"
Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."
Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."
Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.
He came in twice.
(like if u understand)
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
What is common in my AirPods and the Titanic?
They sync properly.
Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!
My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.
I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
The Titanic, just like my phone, IT JUST WON'T SYNC.
Edit: Never mind, it started to sync...
I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.
I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!
Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:
1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."
I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.
my therapist says with time all wounds can heal.
So I stabbed him. Now we wait.
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.
I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.
I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome. I told my mom I wanted my first time to be special.
My mom was 19 when she was pregnant with me, My mom was 39 when she was pregnant by me!!!
My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.
Now we wait...