My jokes

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

I’ll never forget my father’s last words...

Oh fuck, it’s a bus!

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.

Bippity Boppity, I'm gonna shoot you off my property!

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!

I only got one question wrong on my biology test yesterday.

The question was, "What is most commonly found in a cell?"

Apparently, "Black People" wasn't the right answer.

POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.

We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

Guys, we shouldn't make jokes about 9/11. My dad was a victim.

He was the best pilot in Arab.

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.