My Jokes

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.

Bippity Boppity, I'm gonna shoot you off my property!

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.

The image shows two panels of Winnie the Pooh. In the first panel, he's in his classic red shirt looking off to the side with a neutral expression, while text says 'I made a meme and it got one view.' In the second panel, Winnie the Pooh is wearing a tuxedo and smiling slightly, with text saying, 'I elaborately created a divine worded picture with marvelous phrases and civilized grammar, but unfortunately, my theorized amount of sights by the citizens was incorrect.'

Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.

Guys, we shouldn't make jokes about 9/11. My dad was a victim.

He was the best pilot in Arab.

I woke up one night and it was really dark in my room. Then my TV started to float out the window. I said, "Drop it, nig-"

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

I'm going to draw a picture. A picture with a twist. I'll draw it with a razor blade. I'll draw it on my wrist.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!

My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.

I always hit on 16, then get busted.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."