My jokes

The Titanic, just like my phone, IT JUST WON'T SYNC.

Edit: Never mind, it started to sync...

Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:

1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."

my therapist says with time all wounds can heal.

So I stabbed him. Now we wait.

My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.

Man, my Muslim friend's the bomb!

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

My life is the joke.

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

I bought my cousin a trampoline, she started crying. She was in a wheelchair.

Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.

The jury: O.o

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

POV: Someone stole Michael Jackson's baby: "He he stole my bab(y), he he."

My sister told me a joke.

All she said was "my life."

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"