My jokes

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

A starving homeless kid asks me for food.

I said, "sorry, my plate is full."

My mom told me to get off the computer or she will slam my head into the keyboard.

I don't think she lskdjfklsdjf.

Your forehead is too big. I can see my future when it shines.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

A man walks into a bar with a 44. Magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The bartender answers, "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets."

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

I drew a picture of a whale in the ocean. My brother asked, "What are you drawing?" I said, "You taking a shower."

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

A boy and his friend were walking down the street.

Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"

Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."

Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."

Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.

He came in twice.

(like if u understand)

If a woman gets raped, just walk away, don't bother. Cheer on the rapist if you want.

They believe they are equal to men, right? So they are able to fight back, right? Then prove it! My EQUALITY!

My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.

What is common in my AirPods and the Titanic?

They sync properly.

Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.

I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.