My Jokes

My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.

Man, my Muslim friend's the bomb!

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.

My sister told me a joke.

All she said was "my life."

Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"

me when i failed my chem test

The image shows a cartoon character with a very surprised and shocked facial expression, with wide eyes and mouth agape. The text above the character says, "me looking at my test grade thinking I ate when in fact the test ate me."

My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

My life is the joke.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.