My jokes
My mom told me to help her with the laser, but it was opposite day, so I pushed her down.
She said help, so I kicked her.
My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"
Me: "Where?"
Friend: "In front of me."
So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.
Her boyfriend said "Hi."
I said, "Knife to meet you!"
What does Trump stand for?
Trump Runs Underneath My Penis.
An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"
Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"
Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."
What do you call it when a man named Ned works at Panera Bread?
Panera Ned.
I'm on a roll with my jokes, right now!
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
I would tell you a joke about my dink, but it's too long.
What's the difference between sleeping pills and my beating my meat?
Sleeping pills actually come with a prescription.
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"
Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"
My puns are awesome, pure gold.
I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.
I saw that my brother has brain cancer, so I asked him: "Are you big brain?"
God = what I hope to be.
Devil = what I can't accept.
I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.
It’s like I always tell my kids:
"Two in the pink, one in the stink."
I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.
What do you call lesbians having sex?
My cheating dyke ex-wife!
Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”
I was at a funeral and told a joke, and my sister said, "I'm dead." So I said, "That's what she said."