My jokes

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"

-not my joke

My father always used to say:

"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."

Until the accident.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

Wade, you're a joke. The worst joke.

Hoped this would be a safer, more fun place to talk to my BP friends, but I guess not.

I've also learned that some people think "worst jokes ever" = "terrible unfunny jokes that make light of people who died horribly or otherwise suffered" instead of things like "why did the chicken cross the road?"-type jokes.

Maybe I'm just too old at this point.

2023- my dad is a cop.

1800- my dad owns your dad.

What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!

My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.

I wish the grass in my yard was emo. It could just cut itself.

Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.

The creator's son tried that!

(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)

What is my favorite thing about my grandpa?

His life insurance.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.

I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

When people ask my age, this is what I do.

“🥱 I DON’T CARE.... ÆAHAHAHAHAHAÆAAÆ!”

My dad was a great pilot...

He died in 9/11.

My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.

So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"

I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"

My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.

My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.