My jokes
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
"Lazy."
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"
I like my girls like my file systems...
FAT and 16.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.