My jokes

My life.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

One time, a cow saved my life.

It was bovine intervention.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I love the smell of my F5 key. It's very refreshing.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.