My jokes

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

"Lazy."

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

I like my girls like my file systems...

FAT and 16.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.