My jokes

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

I love the smell of my F5 key. It's very refreshing.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.