My jokes

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.