My jokes

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.

OK, there are at least 3 pedophiles in your neighborhood.

But there are no pedophiles in my neighborhood; there are only three 10-year-old girls with juicy asses.

How many dead babies does it take to paint my room?

It depends how many bullets you have.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Must be more than 13, because my basement is still dark.

When I go to bed, my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick and beats me with it.

My life.

Kill me, please.

My friend is gay lol. I'm a spagetie fucc, lemme smash, Becky!

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

One day in my class, we were having that good snack, and one of my classmates choked on a Cheerio. One small, single, Cheerio!

You know chords, right? Well, you know what I love to do? To play with A-minor. You know, feel your fingers on A-minor. Gives you a sense of power, to just F A-minor.

But that's not my favorite thing to fiddle with. That would be the D of minors. It's just solid, you know. If you're clever you can have the D of minors into the C of minors. Or, though a bit tricky, the D of minors into the B of minors.

And at this point you've gotten the point and if I want to continue it would be a bit of a stretch.

I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.

My son said, "What rhymes with orange?"

I said, "No, it doesn't!"

My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!

This one time I said to a person that they are dry, then I was wet (ba dum tiss).

My bully said I have to shut up. I said, "Shut down" (ba dum tiss).

Someone burgled my house the other day. It was terrible.

They ripped all of the front and back pages of my dictionaries. Things went from bad to worse.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" And the doctor replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."