My jokes

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

What do you call two emos in a chemistry lab?

My Chemical Romance.

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

I saw my midget neighbor at a bus stop.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"Bugger off!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little man," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

My sister said she was as fat as a coconut, so I threw one at her and she was right.

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

Some trans "woman" came up to me and told me to act my age so I told him to act his gender

I broke up with my girlfriend, so I stole her wheelchair, and guess who came crawling back.

My 14 year old daughter went shopping at a grocery story.

She gets to the register and she asked the cashier to scan her scarred wrist.

The cashier scanned it and replied with, "Ma'am this item is worthless."

Roses are red. Violets are blue. My dad is gone to...

I fell in love with my teacher.

Which is weird because I am home schooled.

I said to my girlfriend nothing can ever make you look ugly...

Because you already look ugly.

Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

I like my men how I like my coffee...

WITHOUT A FUCKING VAGINA!

There's a kid with loads of new firemen equipment and sees a fire engine go past and the kid asks the firemen, "Come have a look at my new gear." So the firemen go look at his gear, so then the kid says:

"I've got a helmet, a big jacket, and an oxygen tank, and a little wheelbarrow for my gear."

Firemen say: "Why is there a rope tied around a cat's balls?"

The kid says, "So I can have a siren nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"

You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."

When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen, and I could just have his motorcycle.