My jokes

My mom said, "Hey, come over here."

I responded, "Too late, Mom!"

My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!

Everyone makes mistakes. Like my mom, she made a mistake 13 years ago.

If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."

I hated getting bullied in school because I could never stand up for myself.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

I got jealous when my phone dies.

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.

High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?

Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.

High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.

Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.

High school crush: Who is it?

Me: You.

Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)

Me: Fuck that.

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

Roses are red, violets are blue, my mom and dad died, next you'll be gone too.

When you tell her you are about to "COME," she says no, don't, please just keep going.

Shenron: THAT IS BEYOND MY POWER.

What did Vegeta say to Bulma?

What?

Can I show you my new move? It's called BIG BANG ATTACKKKK! :)

What do my balls and emos have in common?

...Nothing, they both hang themselves...

playing irl fruit ninja on my arm.

My mom told me to clean the sink, but I couldn’t find you.

A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

Ur mom.

Oops my bad! 😬

Yesterday I was in a wind storm.

Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.