My jokes
playing irl fruit ninja on my arm.
My mom told me to clean the sink, but I couldn’t find you.
A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.
So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
Ur mom.
Oops my bad! 😬
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
Chris Rock: Jada, I can't wait to see you in G.I. Jane 2!
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song starts playing:
Will: "I got in one lil' fight about my wife's lost hair, she said, 'Will, if you don't do something I'm gonna have an affair!'" 😂😂😂
When you ask an orphan to come over:
Kid: "Do you want to come over to my house?"
Orphan: "Yeah, sure."
Kid: "Ok, ask your parents—oh wait."
Muslim child to his mother: "Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?"
Mom: "Allahu Akbar, my son, Allahu Akbar!"
I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they have some good ideas.
What do Jesus and I have in common?
No one knows my real bday either.
What's the difference between an emo and my clothes?
My clothes don't hang themselves.
Roses are red, violets are blue, my heart is dead, I'm such a fool. -Juice Wrld
My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"
I wish my nails were emo so that they would cut themselves.
Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.
What is the difference between a baby and a canoe?
I would never put a canoe in my garage.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.
The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.
Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.
Why is Daisy afraid of candles?
Watch my videos and find out!!! 🤸♀️🕯📷💰😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈