Murder jokes

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

Don't you just want to go on a mass murder while listening to goodbye Moonman? Oh, just me... OK.

Don't be scared of skeletons.

They don't have the guts for murder.

A straight man and a gay man are talking. The straight man says, "I'm wanted in 2 states for murder." and the gay man replies with, "Oh, that sucks. I'm wanted in 13 for existing."

When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

What's the difference between genocide and mass murder?

Genocide is racist.

joe: Are your mom and dad nice?

zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.

joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friend group.

I suspected that it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

A murderer.

A murderer who--

Is cut off by being murdered.

Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!

"And then I said, \"Knife to meet you.\""

"You stabbed my brother!"

"It's okay, I'm in stable condition!"

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

What do you call an egg murder?

An eggs-terminator!

Friend 1: I don't want to jump.

Friend 2: Me neither.

Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.

Friend 1: *jumps*

Friend 2: *jumps*

Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!

Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.

What’s the only victimless crime you can commit? Murder, cause there’s a victim less!

"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."

"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"

"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."