Murder jokes

Getting murdered by someone is probably the most intimate experience I'll ever have.

That awkward moment you try to relate to Batman by killing your parents.

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?

All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.

Don't you just want to go on a mass murder while listening to goodbye Moonman? Oh, just me... OK.

"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."

"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"

"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.

What do you call an egg murder?

An eggs-terminator!

Sign on my attorney's office wall: "You can't have manslaughter without laughter."

Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

joe: Are your mom and dad nice?

zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.

joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.

Teacher: Your bag is heavy, what's in there?

Weird Kid: Magazines.

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.

"And then I said, \"Knife to meet you.\""

"You stabbed my brother!"

"It's okay, I'm in stable condition!"

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Knife." "Knife, who?" "How are you still alive? I just stabbed you!"