Morning jokes

Home Covid Test.

1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.

I am so nervous.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged.

Where do rabbits eat breakfast?

IHOP.

So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?

Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.

Really Karen?

What time do butts get up? At the crack of dawn!!!

The sun isn’t the only thing that rose up this morning...

So this blind man was walking down the street with his stick, right? And he walked past this fish market, he took a deep breath and said, "WWOAAH GOODMORNING LADIES!"

It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.

What does a killer say in the shower in the morning?

- Splish splash, I'm gonna slash...

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you are in prison.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"

"When is the best time to commit suicide?"

Ate a Glock in the morning.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

An Asian went to bed at 9:00, woke up at 6. People say he's still sleeping.

"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."

"What's been going on, John?" I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

The dirty bastard!

Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!

1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.