Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says “hey dad! Whatcha doin?” His father says “I’m filling your moms tank” Johnny says, “oh yeah well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because th milk man filled her up this morning.”
I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.
A young orphan boy goes to school for the first time. A bigger boy comes and punches him. He says,”What are you gonna do, cry to your mommy?” The boy cries. Next morning, he wakes up and comes to school. The same thing happens, but the older boy brings his friends. This time, after he says,”You gonna tell your mom?”, the little boy says, Yes, I will tell them that there is company coming over.
This morning I was in the kitchen and I saw some a whole bunch of leftovers brownies made from scratch i just taste one and spit it out because somebody put some godamn weed in them what the fuck.
A woman once didn't return home for the night and the next morning when she arrived home her husband started questioning her about where has she been. She lied saying she slept at one of her friends. The man proceeded to call all her friends all of which denied her sleeping at them the previous night.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning his wife started questioning him and he lied saying he slept at a friend. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at them the previous night and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus so he asks his class, “where is Jesus today?”
Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven”
Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart”
Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”
The teacher says, “how do you know this?”
Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bang on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?”
Men wake up with a boner. Women wake up yawning. Coincidence?
Amber Heard’s Morning Routine
Wake Up Eat Breakfast Take a Shit Get Out of Bed
Crush: "How much do you love me?"
Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."
Crush: "But it's morning."
Me: "Exactly."
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if its poisoned.
then the antidote becomes the most important
Donald Trump is proudly anti-woke. He has been falling asleep in his court cases every morning!
Your move, Ron DeSantis.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
My day started out great until I woke up
What does the cannibal get after a one night stand? Breakfast in bed!
Home Covid Test.
1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
I am so nervous.
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning fortunately no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
