Morning Jokes

I might not be able to make my bed but at least I can get out of it.

Came across the headline this morning whilst reading the paper ...

''Woman beats off Rapist in carpark'' ,

I suppose that was a fair compromise !

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq I never had kids

a guy wakes up one morning and is walking down the road and he smells fish and he says good morning ladies

A week before Christmas my wife left me, she said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore. On Christmas eve Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "all I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world." On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

I love you

The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed.

Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage, No Circus Today

y do people eat cereal for breakfast?

because why not.

Me: Do you take milk before cereal, or cereal before milk?

The adult person I asked: cereal?

Me: I take the bowl first! What do you do? Do you just pour everything on the table and then eat it?

The person: yes

Me: WHAT?!!!??!!

Little Johnny was in kindergarten and his teacher said, "okay everyone, Tomorrow you must come to school and recite the first three letters of the alphabet". Johnny didn't know the alphabet so he decided to ask his family. He walked in the kitchen to find his mom on the phone. He says, "Mamma, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" His mom doesn't notice him standing there and says, "If you don't shut the fuck up right now-" So he goes to find his brother watching TV and he says, "Tommy what's the Second letter of the alphabet?" His brother doesn't notice him and says, "I'm Batman". So He went to his Grandma who was knitting and says, "Grandma what's the third letter of the Alphabet?" The grandma then realizes she left her biscuits in the oven for too long and says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!" Satisfied with the answers given to him he thinks it over and goes to school the next morning. When his teacher come to Johnny she says, "Johnny what are the first three letters of the alphabet?" "If you don't shut the fuck up right now" - Johnny "Who do you think you are young man to talk to someone like me that way?" - teacher "I'm Batman" - Johnny The teacher whups his ass and little johnny says, "My biscuits are burning! My Biscuits are burning!"

Later that day he understands what happened and can't tell which was worse that he accidentally cussed to his teacher or that his family was ignoring him.

Hope the towers in the morning and get back to you!

Hi alex you will probibly not see this till the morning but I just wanted to say I have had fun sense you were here also thank you so much for protecting me and their for me and yah have a good day!

I had morning wood one day then my sister saw and said I can help

what age is served for breakfast

Good Morning Sleepy-Head

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye! Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

Quote of the day: Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day [Comment your favorite fall beverage]

This morning I woke up then took a bath with some chocolate mud at first when i turn the damn flossers on. i notice it wasn't water it's was all chocolate mud and now my body is all chocolatly.