Morning jokes
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.
Unless you are in prison.
Motivational Quote for today: If you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...
A blind man was walking into a fish market. He took a deep breath and said, “Good morning, ladies!”
I was making love to this girl, and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
Did you make your bed this morning? Wanna unmake it together?
Quote of the day: It's never too late to be what you wished you were.
Hope y'all are having a great day! I just got back from a volleyball tournament that I had to be up at 5 AM for! We played three games and won the last one. We advanced and are playing a few more tomorrow. Wish me and my team good luck!
Came across the headline this morning whilst reading the paper...
"Woman beats off Rapist in carpark!"
I suppose that was a fair compromise!
Why did Michael Jackson rush over to K-Mart one morning?
Because he heard little boys' pants were half off!
I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.
About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."
I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."
Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"
One dark stormy night when I was 8 years old, I woke up in the middle of the night busting to pee. Half asleep, I walked down the stairs and toward the bathroom and heard a strange whirring sound that sounded like a ghost. When I opened the door, I felt a strange cool breeze and the light came on automatically, and the ghostly sound stopped. Terrified, I did what I had to and went back to bed.
The next 3 nights, the same thing happened, and finally, I decided I had to tell my mom no matter how hard to believe it sounded. The next night I woke up, I went into my parents' room and woke my mom up and said, "You have to come with me and see this, it's really important." Half asleep, she murmured, "Oh, what is it? Can't it wait until the morning?" I pleaded, "No, you have to come see, our bathroom is haunted by a ghost. When I go in the middle of the night, I can hear a ghost sound. Then when I open the door, I feel the cold as it swoops through me, and the light comes on automatically." She yawned and said, "Oh, so that's who's been peeing in the refrigerator."
Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.
Doc: What's wrong with that?
Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.
Mr. Smith lived in an apartment. In the apartment, he went to the elevator and went to the 16th floor. Then he went to the 21st floor by 5 stairs every morning. Why did he do that?
Because he was too short! So he pressed the highest button he could and walked to his apartment.
This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.
He never has a bad day because he always wakes up on both sides of the bed.
Good morning everybody, well I could say that unlike emo kids.
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!
A father tells his 10-year-old son...
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life."
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186, leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great-grandchildren, and a 7-foot crater where the crematory used to be.
This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"