I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.” – Rodney Dangerfield
One day Billy, Bob, and Doo Da went fishing in a small boat. None of them could swim and they had no life jackets. Doo Da suddenly started yelling, " I got one boys! '' as he started trying to reel the fish in. It was way to large for him to get onto the boat and he fell into the water. The fish had a nice meal that night. Billy and Bob were in shock, but knew they had to tell Mrs. Doo Da. Upon arriving at her house, they did rock paper scissors on who had to tell her the news. Bob lost. He slowly rang the doorbell and Mrs. Doo Da answered. "U-uhm.. we...Doo D-Da..f-fish..." Bob stuttered then he screamed and ran off. Billy went to go retrieve his friend. Billy had a nice little talk with him and slapped him across the face to get him to just say what happened. Soon, the two men returned to Mrs. Doo Da's house and rang the doorbell, again. She opened the door and looked at the two men and asked, " I've been trying to call Doo Da and he hasn't answered, is he ok?" Bob took a deep breath and took a step forward with a smile on his face. He sang, " We went fishing, guess who died, Doo Da, Doo Da. He smiled and he said good bye, we morn Doo Da today.''
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning fortunately no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
One time Little Johnny heard his parents "wrestling" in their bed. So the next morning, he went to rape all the little girls in school. This then led to his demise. No girls told on him, but when he grew up, he was a raper. He never stopped. In total, "little" Johnny had over 31 sons that he didn't know about. When he was sentenced to jail, he raped all the inmates despite his small figure. He was then sent to the death sentence, "eagle wing" torture style. His parents were happy he died, and the morbid rapist was put down, never to return again. However, all the sons had his genes, including his MINDSET. They then became a cult and shot down 2014 cops, 471 military members and 72951 males and females. The kids, you ask? Only the males were spared, and taught how to operate the guns. All but 419 females were killed. They soon became the world's strongest empire. No one could stop Little Johnny's sons. NO ONE.
a guy wakes up one morning and is walking down the road and he smells fish and he says good morning ladies
Her Name was Lola
She was a loner
At the Copa
Then I saw her
And i got a boner
The next morning
She couldn't remember if I banged her
I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning. And my driver’s license got revoked too.
Quote of the day: Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day [Comment your favorite fall beverage]
guys this is so disrepctful i love jesus. i go to church every tuesday morning to give jesus a .... giffffffft so disrepctful guys #jesusismyhubby
man: hi doc, i have a problem. i take a shit at 6:00am every morning. doc: whats wrong with that. man: i dont wake up until 8:00am
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
Why do orphans never wake up in the morning? There dad can’t wake them up
I asked my dog this morning how her weeks been going- she said "ruff". I feel her you know? I feel her.
One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV His daughter comes in and says "dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! Its because when you were born a rose peddle fell on your head." "Cool" Rose said.
The second daughter walked in and said "dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied,"Oh! its because when you were a baby, a daisy peddle fell on your head." "Awesome" Daisy said.
The third daughter came in and said "DuUuUDeEeEeDrrrrrrrrr!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"
One day, I'm going to Malta to a big hotel. In the morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tell the waitress I want two pieces of toast. She brings me only one piece. I tell her I want a piece. She says, "Go to the toilet." I say, "You don't understand. I want a piece on my plate." She says, "You better not piss on your plate, you son of a bitch." I don't even know the lady, and she calls me a son of a bitch.
I don't need this shit!!
Later, I go to eat at the big restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, but no fork. I tell her I wanted a fork. She tells me everyone wanna fuck. I say, "You don't understand, I want a fork on my table." She says, "You better not fuck on the table, you son of a bitch." I don't even know the lady, and she calls me a son of a bitch.
I don't need this shit!
So, I go back to my room in a hotel, and there are no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him I want a sheet. He tells me, go to the toilet. I say, "You don't understand, I want a sheet on my bed." He says, "You better not shit on my bed, you son of a bitch."
I go to the checkout, and the man at the desk says, 'Peace on you.' I say, 'Piss on you too, you son of a bitch. I'm going back to Italia. Arrivederci!'
I don't need this shit!
Moral of the story, don't go to Australia with a Korean accent.
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq I never had kids
GO ON THE QUINTILLIONAIRE MORNING ROUTINE NOW!
1. Wake up 2. Take a shit 3. Eat 4. Get out of bed 5. Have breakfast
What does a killer say in the shower in the morning?
- Splish splash, I'm gonna slash...
Little Johnny attends school regularly and often brings a box of sultanas as a gift to his favourite teacher. One morning Little Johnny attends class without a box of sultanas. The teacher enquires, why Johnny "where is my box of sultanas? Johnny Relied. Sorry miss my rabbit died.
What do orphans eat for breakfast
Daddy.o's
