Q: What do Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They put meat on five-year-old buns.
Morbid Jokes
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"
"Who was in the race?"
"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"
What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.
What do you call a bunch of Muslims in a bath?
A bath bomb.
A little boy was given a bicycle and a soccer ball for his birthday, but why was the little boy unhappy?
Because the little boy had no legs.
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
What did the kid who has no arms get for Christmas?
He couldn't even open it.
If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.
If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.
What is worse than a baby spinning at a hundred miles per hour on a washing line?
Hitting it off with a cricket bat.
Why do midgets work at Tesco?
Because every little helps.
I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
I wanted to see if she was anorexic, so I threw a Funyun at her to see if she'd use it as a hula hoop or inhale it.
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."
Baby: "Lmao, same"
EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?"
Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."
