Morbid jokes

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"

What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?

Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

What do you call a bunch of Muslims in a bath?

A bath bomb.

A little boy was given a bicycle and a soccer ball for his birthday, but why was the little boy unhappy?

Because the little boy had no legs.

What's red and blue and runs up your leg?

A homesick miscarriage.

What did the kid who has no arms get for Christmas?

He couldn't even open it.

If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.

If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.

What is worse than a baby spinning at a hundred miles per hour on a washing line?

Hitting it off with a cricket bat.

Why do midgets work at Tesco?

Because every little helps.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.

My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

I wanted to see if she was anorexic, so I threw a Funyun at her to see if she'd use it as a hula hoop or inhale it.

Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.

Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."

Baby: "Lmao, same"

EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?"

Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."