Morbid jokes
My ex died in an anchorage accident.
She always was a sleeping hooker.
When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.
Me watching a World War 2 documentary.
What's a Latino's favorite sport? Lacrosse.
What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.
Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: What? Am I dying?
Doctor: No, your wife is.
Why do Nazis not wear necklaces, rings, and bracelets? Because they hate jewelry.
Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard!
Have you heard about the lemming that jumped off a cliff into an ocean?
I heard it was because of pier pressure.
A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."
What's the difference between a child and a book?
One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Apples are actually picked.
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
What do you call a person in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
Roses are red. Walls are made of plaster. Schoolchildren can move fast, But bullets can move faster.
My ex died today.
I also lost my job as a butcher.
What is so similar about a concrete block and a garden?
They both make vegetables.
Why doesn’t the US want to play chess with the UK?
The US is already down 2 towers, and the UK has an unkillable queen.
What has hands but can’t clap?
A thalidomide baby.
What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.
Steven Hawking walks into a bar... no, I'm just kidding.