Morbid jokes
I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
What do you call a bunch of Muslims in a bath?
A bath bomb.
"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"
"Who was in the race?"
"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"
What do you call 2 homeless people throwing rocks at each other? "Pillow Fight!"
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.
A little boy was given a bicycle and a soccer ball for his birthday, but why was the little boy unhappy?
Because the little boy had no legs.
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
What did the kid who has no arms get for Christmas?
He couldn't even open it.
If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.
If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.
What is worse than a baby spinning at a hundred miles per hour on a washing line?
Hitting it off with a cricket bat.
Why do midgets work at Tesco?
Because every little helps.
I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.
My old platoon sergeant always told me the hardest thing when walking through a field of dead babies was... his cock.
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
I wanted to see if she was anorexic, so I threw a Funyun at her to see if she'd use it as a hula hoop or inhale it.
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."
EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?"
Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."