Morbid jokes

Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.

Patient: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What's the really bad news?

Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

what's the difference between hitler and you?

one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.

The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.

What's the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a cop?

Pizza guys get punished for not doing their jobs properly.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

Q: What do Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?

A: They put meat on five-year-old buns.

What do you call 2 spies fucking?

Undercover.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.

I would make a dad joke, but I don't have a dad to joke about.

Your spelling is more morbid than any of these jokes.

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

"Really?" asked a little girl.

"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

What do you call a bunch of Muslims in a bath?

A bath bomb.

What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?

Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.